The World Is Your Litter Box

A Sad/Happy Story

2012-02-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

I know things have been a bit quiet lately around the ‘ole The World Is Your Litter Box blog, but we’ve had some developments around the homestead that have kept my kitty brain awhirl in a couple different directions… both sad and happy.

Let’s get the sad part out of the way first. A short while back, Steve’s mom went to the Rainbow Bridge for humans. She was quite elderly and in the end, went quickly and peacefully, so there’s that to be thankful for. Still, Steve and his female were pretty grief stricken, so me and my housemates (Piglet and Bo Diddley) worked very hard and used an overabundance of kitty cuteness to help them get through what was a very rough period. They still miss Steve’s mom very much, and probably always will, but now that some time has gone by, they’re feeling a bit better about things. Life goes on.

Now for the happy part. As those of you who’ve read The World Is STILL Your Litter Box know, I was singularly and personally responsible for turning Steve’s mom into an unabashed cat lover. It wasn’t easy at first because before Steve’s mom made a visit to our home a few years back, she wasn’t particularly fond of cats. She didn’t hate cats as some misguided humans do, but she wasn’t well acquainted with the wonders of kittydom, so she was kind of ambivalent about us. Well, during her visit, I had plenty of time to work my kitty magic on her and change all that, and by the time she left to go home, she was well on her way to being a full-blown cat nut!

Shortly thereafter, Steve’s mom got a cat of her own… a beautiful little tortie that she named Emily (that’s her in the photo above). Living with Emily made Steve’s mom realize how truly unique and wonderful we felines truly are, and she very quickly progressed to A-1 cat nut status (that’s when a human comes to the realization that their kitty is the greatest and most important thing on Earth, to be doted on and adored to the exclusion of pretty much everything else). Well, of course, when Steve’s mom went to the human Rainbow Bridge, there was no question that Steve and his female would adopt Emily, and that’s exactly what happened.

For the first few days, as is normally the case when a cat goes to a new home, Emily was very disoriented and frightened. Steve put her in a separate room until she could become acclimated to her new surroundings. In a surprisingly short amount of time, Emily relaxed and made herself comfortable, and as only a female kitty can do, she let us hapless males know, in no uncertain terms, that SHE is now the boss! Actually, it wasn’t very hard to do because we’re all VERY smitten with her (especially Piglet, who tries to steal kisses, only to be rebuffed like an unwanted suitor. He keeps trying though, the little Lothario!).

So what began as a sad event has turned into pure joy around our house. Emily has settled into her new fur-ever home very nicely and has become one of the gang. A true happy ending! Still, I have to keep an eye on her at all times. Like I said in The World Is Your Litter Box… females can be tricky. You never quite know what they’re up to.

Where to Find Quasi's Books

2012-01-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s a new year and time for my first shameless book plug of 2012!

From time to time, we get emails from cat lovers who have looked for my books in bookstores and been unable to find them. The sad fact is that most brick-and-mortar bookstores are gone, and many of those that are still with us tend to limit their stock to bestsellers and books by established authors and celebrities, etc. Sure, I’m a celebrity and a best-selling author (in my mind, anyway!), but the competition for shelf space is ferocious and the bookstores are VERY picky about what they stock. You can easily find Confessions of a Guidette by Snooki from Jersey Shore, but if you want timeless literary treasures like MY books, you have to hunt for them.

So, where can I buy The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, you ask? The best place is Amazon.com, regardless of where in the world you live. Amazon always has the books in stock and can get them to you quickly, and with a minimum of hassle and cost. The World Is STILL Your Litter Box is also available as an e-book for readers such as the Kindle and the Nook, and The World Is Your Litter Box will be available as an e-book sometime this year.

So if you love cats and want to read my books (and who doesn’t?), go on-line and order them from Amazon.com… then, get ready to laugh your tail off!

Happy New Year!

2011-12-30T13:11:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to extend our hope that the new year brings and happiness and prosperity to cats and cat lovers everywhere! For cats, "prosperity" means more food, more treats and more lovin!

Bring on 2012!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

2011-12-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

As the yuletide season nears its crescendo and 2011 draws to a close, Steve (my human) and I would like to extend our best wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas holiday, and for a healthy and happy new year. This past year has been pretty, shall we say, challenging… but, hey, aren’t they all?

And, for your holiday reading pleasure – and some good laffs – here’s the “Christmas” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box…

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them. (For ways to combat your human=s anger over broken Christmas ornaments, see chapter entitled “How to Get Away with Unacceptable Kitty Behavior.”

Holiday Gift Idea for Cats & Cat Lovers (Guess What It Might Be?)

2011-12-13T07:28:00.000-08:00

Another year is winding down and that means that the holiday season is in full swing (Gulp!). You know what this means… crowded shopping malls and post offices, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless, unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other ridiculously- expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford.

Well, this year, ‘ole Quaz is going to make things a lot easier for you. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming that you’re either a cat or a cat lover, and what could be a finer gift for cat lovers than copies of my books, The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box? Now here’s the best part… you can order these books from Amazon.com and avoid the mall completely! Think of it… no crowds, no hassles, no Johnny Mathis Christmas songs. Amazon will even do the gift wrapping for you, and if you order both books together, you can save a few bucks on shipping. Voila!

So this year, get the cat (or cat lover) on your holiday gift list what they REALLY want – The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box – and make it easy on yourself. Why mess around when the answer to the question, “What should I get for all the cat people in my life?” is just a few easy clicks away. And I guarantee you this… these books will bring laughter and enjoyment to anyone who shares their home with a cat and fully understands what wonderful little creatures we cats truly are.

Hey, I managed to get through this entire blog post without saying that my books are the PURR-fect gift for cat lovers!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

Yes, once again it’s Thanksgiving… that wonderful time of year when we stop and give thanks for all the wonderful things we have. Oh, heck, who am I kidding? Sure, even in these difficult economic times, most of us have a lot to be thankful for, but right now, the big thing for humans is getting together with loved ones and slamming as much food as possible into their gaping maws.

Here’s a little Thanksgiving missive from a cat’s perspective… from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger) chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…

Thanksgiving: A good holiday for cats, even if it’s not so good for turkeys. At Thanksgiving, human families get together to gorge themselves and good feeling is in the air (as are an abundance of good cooking smells!) In most households with male and female humans, the male usually spends the day watching football on TV while the female toils in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to providing engrossing tension and lively, entertaining arguments, this situation will afford you a good lap to sleep in, unless your male human becomes over-exuberant and spills beer on you, and plenty of interesting activity in the kitchen. Once the table is set, you might want to jump up there and make sure all the silverware, plates, and glasses are properly arranged. And when dinner is finally served, be sure to go from person to person looking as cute (and hungry) as possible. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving turkey. Yum! Then, when dinner is over and everyone is sated beyond the point of decency, including you, you can go into the bedroom and have a nice snooze on everyone’s coats, just like on New Years Eve and other holidays during cold seasons. Yes, there is much to be thankful for.

Along with Steve and Judy (my humans), I want to wish everyone - cat, human and otherwise - a very safe and happy Thanksgiving!

Quasi Reviews Puss in Boots

2011-11-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I saw the greatest movie ever made in the history of filmdom. No, not Citizen Kane, Gone with the Wind or Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. The film I’m talking about is – that’s right – the wonderful new animated feature, Puss in Boots. Now a quick disclaimer here… I didn’t actually see Puss in Boots myself, although as an omniscient cat, I know all about it. Steve and his female (my humans) did, in fact, see the movie and came home raving about it, so in their stead, I’m going to review it from a cat’s perspective. Hey, you have to give me a little poetic license here and suspend belief while you read this!

Anyway, if you love cats (and who doesn’t?), you MUST see Puss in Boots. The movie is action-packed, laugh-out-loud funny, incredibly well done, and VERY cute! I must compliment the humans who made Puss in Boots… they really have cats down cold, and they haven’t missed a trick. I don’t want to give anything away, but during the course of the film, you’ll see kitty cuteness ranging from purring, meowing, hissing and scooting to dance fighting and Puss’ use of his big limpid eyes to get humans to do his bidding. And most dear to your old pal Quasi, there are some exceptionally funny litter box references (Hey, I wonder if any of the filmmakers have read The World Is Your Litter Box before they started working on the film?)

The supporting characters are also most delightful. In addition to an assortment of human villagers and medieval soldier-types, there’s Humpty Dumpty, an evil Jack & Jill, a very large goose, and my ultimate favorite (and new mancat crush) Kitty Softpaws. OMG, just thinking about those soft paws makes my fur tingle!

So, fellow cat, tell your human to go see Puss in Boots right away, and who knows… maybe they can even sneak you into the movie theater. If not (or you’re too scared to deal with the madness of the multiplex), make sure your human buys you a copy of Puss in Boots on DVD when it comes out. Believe me, you won’t be disappointed, and you’ll probably want to watch it again and again.

In conclusion, I really can’t say it any better than Puss himself. Puss in Boots is… ME-WOW!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I would get a jump on Halloween this year and be among the first to wish everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a very happy Halloween! And this week, all "Quasi's Questions for Cats" on the official The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page will be Halloween-related. If you haven't yet visited the Litter Box Facebook Page, here's a link.

Meanwhile, for your enjoyment, here's the Halloween section from the "Holiday Fun (& Danger)" chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box.

Halloween: Another holiday fraught with both fun and danger. Halloween is a time when little humans, and some big ones, dress up in strange costumes, some of which are pretty scary. Usually, the little ones will go out trick-or-treating (whatever that is) and come home with bags full of teeth-rotting candy. This will provide you with a fine new source of diversion as you investigate the bag and remove anything that looks interesting... or edible. Another fun thing about Halloween is the pumpkins, which are carved up by humans to have scary or comical faces. When I was a kitten, I quite enjoyed climbing inside pumpkins for a look-see. However, with my massive expanse, I can no longer do so (oh the curse of aging). Also, if you are a black cat, this holiday’s for you. For some reason, many humans consider it bad luck if a black cat walks in front of them. So, if you are of the ebony persuasion, you can have extra fun by bedeviling those who are blatantly superstitious.

Now, on the danger side, there are a couple things to watch out for. First of all, there=s the scariness aspect. Halloween is a time when humans like to frighten each other by making scary sounds, watching scary movies, and wearing horrifying things such as zombie masks. To a cat, needless to say, some of these things are hair-raising to the nth degree. Therefore, it’s often best to find a good place to hide and stay out of your human=s way until their sanity returns. Also, if you are an outdoor cat, STAY INSIDE AFTER DARK. At night, dozens of humans are out on the street, trick-or-treating and acting especially goofy. Some teenage male humans see Halloween as a time to pull off pranks such as toilet papering their girlfriends’ homes, which is actually quite delightful. However, some of their antics are much more dangerous and sinister. As with the Fourth of July, there are some heartless, misguided humans who will torment cats for their own amusement. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS TOO!

NOTE #1: Investigate bags of trick-or-treat candy all you want. But DON’T EAT TOO MUCH! In large quantities, candy will cause tooth decay and make you sick, possibly necessitating a trip to the vet (talk about scary).

NOTE #2: Some humans put candles inside their pumpkins and light them. If you are a kitten, or small enough to investigate the inside of a pumpkin, make sure the candle is out before you go in. Even though flickering flames are attractive and interesting, they will burn you if you get too close. Ouch!

Also, a quick word for any humans who might be reading this... be sure to keep your pets safe on Halloween night. Otherwise, we hope everyone has a great (and scary) time!

Ten Good Reasons Why You Should Buy The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

2011-10-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well, fellow cats and cat lovers, it’s been awhile since I’ve hammered you with a yet another shameless promotion for my books – those would be The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, in case you’d forgotten – so, strap yourself in!

Today, I’m focusing primarily on The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, the ultra-hilarious sequel to my first book. Now, I could bore you with all kinds of tired clichés such as “If you liked The World Is Your Litter Box, you’ll LOVE The World Is STILL Your Litter Box” and “The World Is STILL Your Litter Box is EVEN FUNNIER than Quasi’s first book”… even though those statements are most certainly true. But instead, I’ve decided to break it down to the fundamentals and give you ten good reasons every cat (and cat lover) on earth should buy The World Is STILL Your Litter Box…

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box is available as an e-book, so you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your home to purchase a copy.
The World Is STILL Your Litter Box has more laughs per page than Dick Cheney’s new book.
The World Is STILL Your Litter Box includes EVEN MORE ways to flummox your human and make your life EVEN MORE pleasant and enjoyable than it already is
Kim Kardashian LOVES The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (I don’t know if that’s really true, but hey, a reference to the Kardashians can’t hurt, right?)
Reading The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will give you something interesting to talk about at boring cocktail parties
The World Is STILL Your Litter Box includes a list of breezy excuses for unacceptable kitty behavior and several sure-fire ways to make sure your human keeps your litter box clean (how helpful is THAT?)
The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will teach you creative new antics that are guaranteed to make your human say “Awwwwwww”
Reading The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will make you a more intelligent and well-rounded cat
We need the money more than famous celebrity authors
The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will solve all the ills of the world (I wish!)

So there you have it, fellow cat… ten irrefutable reasons why you should convince your human to buy you your own personal copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. However, if you’re still not convinced, you can read some LOL funny excerpts on the official The World Is Your Litter Box website.

The Troubled Economy and How Cats Can Help (Part 2)

2011-09-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

In my continuing effort to personally resolve all of America's economic problems, I've come up with yet another meritorious idea to help right the ship and get the economy back on track. For this one, I'll need every able-bodied cat in the USA to help me. But don't worry, my fellow Americats... you won't have to go to work or give up any precious nap time. The concept is so simple, I can't believe some other cat (or government genius) didn't think of it before! My idea...

NATIONAL PURR DAY

Here's how it will work... On a given date and time (to be determined), every American human will sit in their favorite chair and hold a kitty on their lap. For humans who don't have cats (poor devils!), one cat will be issued to each person for this event. Then, upon a signal from President Obama - perhaps the popping open of a can of cat food on national TV - all cats across the USA will begin purring simultaneously. This will create a soothing, rumbling nationwide vibration, which will make everyone feel happy and serene. Just think of it... the purring of power of cats harnessed for the good of all mankind!

Well, fellow cat, right about now, you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Hey, I love it! But how will a national purr-out solve our economic ills?" Well, to be perfectly honest, it won't. But, like FDR said back in the Great Depression, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and if everyone just calms down a bit, things can only get better. Right?

And hey all you kitties... even if National Purr Day never becomes a reality, you can still jump up in your human's lap and purr whenever you want. After all, as all cat people know, things can never really be THAT bad when you've got a purring kitty on your lap.

The Troubled Economy and How Cats Can Help

2011-09-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

For the last several weeks, Steve and his female have spent an inordinate amount of time talking about the economy and how horrible everything is. They’ve also been watching a lot of financial news on TV, where most of the commentators look like their heads are going to explode at any minute. I keep hearing words like “Wall Street,” “Dow Jones,” “stocks,” “deficit” and “depression.” It all sounds pretty dire… almost as frightening as a trip to the vet.

Now I don’t pretend to understand any of this economic mumbo-jumbo, and truth be told, I don’t think too many humans do either. Quite frankly, this whole mess just sounds like something else humans have screwed up in their quest to acquire more of those filthy green papers.

But how does this affect us cats, you ask, and what can I do to help?

Well, the first thing is… don’t panic. Even though your human may be gulping calmative pharmaceuticals like candy, you should remain cool and calm regardless of the situation. In these turbulent economic times, your human will be looking to you for comfort and tranquility, so unless they try to save money by skimping on your food or some other human tomfoolery like that, you might want to cut them some slack for the duration. In other words, put some of the kitty antics on hold for awhile and be extra nice to them. A kitty's love and affection can go a long way toward soothing human angst and anxiety. That said, however, you MUST draw the line if your human refuses to buy you your own personal copies of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in order to save a few bucks. Hey, tough economy or not, I need to sell some books here!

Lastly, don’t forget… as FDR said during the Great Depression, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself… and maybe large, mean dogs.” (I added that last part myself!)

Photos of Cat Readers

2011-08-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

With summer winding down and fall approaching, we're looking to beef up the "Photos of Cat Readers" page on the Litter Box website. This page has been a very popular feature since we put the site up, but it's been awhile since any new cat readers have been added. So...

If you've purchased The World Is Your Litter Box or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (or both), simply take a photo of your cat or cats with one or both of the books (as shown in the photo above), and email it to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. We'll add it to the "Photos of Cat Readers" page on our website, and also to our Facebook page, and it will be seen by zillions of other cat lovers around the world. Be sure to include the name of all cats in the photo and the name of the city where you live.

The kitties in the photo (L-R) are Andy from Burbank, California, Baby Cow from Bonanza Oregon, and Seamus from Lynnwood, Washington.

Click here to visit the "Photos of Cat Readers" page on the Litter Box website.

Fun New Feature on The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook Page

2011-08-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

The official The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page is fast approaching 3,000 “Likes,” and in our continuing effort to promote kittydom to its fullest effect (and, of course, my two books), we’ve added a fun new feature to the page. The feature is called “Quasi’s Questions for Cats,” and will run every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the foreseeable future… in other words, until I run out of ideas and/or need a rejuvenating nap. It’s a great chance to interact with other cats (and cat lovers) and be wildly amused.

So far, we’ve posed two questions – what’s your favorite human food treat from the dinner table? and, what’s the cute kitty pose you use when you REALLY want something? We’ve gotten responses and comments from all around the country – nay, all around the world – and they’re VERY entertaining. And from a kitty perspective, it's very educational to find out what other cats are doing to confound and one-up their humans on a day-to-day basis. In fact, I’ve already gleaned some great new ideas myself. All cats and their humans are invited to respond to the questions, make comments, etc. Come join in the fun!

If you haven’t yet visited The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page (and clicked “Like”), here’s a link. Do yourself a favor and visit often. Hey, we may not be able to resolve the deficit issue, but at least we can provide some good laughs for cat lovers!

Problems of the World Getting You Down? We Have the Cure!

2011-07-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

Unless you’re a hermit that lives in a deep, dark cave somewhere with no Internet access (is there such a place?), you know that things are not so great on good ‘ole Planet Earth these days. Many countries are experienced searing, deadly heat waves, millions of humans are unemployed, there was a horrible shooting and bombing incident in Norway, and the U.S. economy is teetering on the brink of disaster because the so-called adults we’ve elected can’t agree on anything.

In times like these, when there isn’t much to smile or laugh about, there’s only one thing to do. Yes, that’s right… watch funny cat videos. And to do our part to help bummed out humans and cats everywhere, we’ve gathered all the hottest (and funniest) cat videos in one place on The World Is Your Litter Box website for you to enjoy. Why wring your hands (or paws) in anguish over the state of the world when instead, you can lose yourself in a miasma of kitty hilarity and laugh your tail off? Hey, it only makes sense!

Click here to go directly to our “Fun Cat Videos” page of the official The World Is Your Litter Box website… you’ll be glad you did!

Summer Reading Suggestions & Safety Tips for Cats

2011-07-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

With summer here and broiling temperatures in many parts of the USA (and in many other parts of the world, for that matter), you’re probably looking for a couple good books to read while you’re hanging out at the beach or lounging by the pool like the kitty in the photo. Might I humbly suggest The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box? They’re light and funny so they won’t depress you like all those books about the horrible state of the world, they’re chic and ultra-hip so you can impress your friends with your excellent taste in literature, and they’re very lightweight so you won’t strain yourself carrying them to your favorite reading spot. What could be better?

And while I’m at it, here are a few summer safety tips for my kitty compadres. First, be sure to use PLENTY of sun block if you plan on lounging about (or napping) in the out-of-doors… you don’t want those deadly gamma rays to singe your fur or burn your tender skin. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids so you stay hydrated… in fact, why not ask your human to add some refreshing ice cubes to your drinking water? DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT mess around with dogs that are lying in the sun… the heat makes them extra grouchy and just because they look wasted with their tongues lolling out doesn’t mean they won’t get up and chase you. And lastly, if you go for a refreshing dip in the pool and engage in some entertaining underwater hijinx, don’t forget to come up for air.

Have a safe and happy summer!

Lion Cuts - Ferocious, But VERY Cute

2011-07-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, that’s right… the smallest member of the pride, who challenges my alpha maleness on a daily basis anyway, now thinks that he has somehow acquired mystical lion powers, and that he is suddenly the king of the jungle around here. Wrong again, Chukko. As all my fellow alpha males know, there can be only one lion king in each household, and in our household, that lion king is ME! And when challenged, even by a little lion like Piglet, I have to administer a flurry of whaps, hisses and moans to restore order.

So if you’re an alpha like me and you find yourself confronted by an interloper like Piglet (whether they have a lion cut or not), simply pull out your copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box and refer to the chapter, “How to Live with Multiple Cats & Alpha Males” (Hey, I couldn’t resist yet one more shameless plug for my second book!). You’ll find all kinds of tips and advice for dealing with pretenders to your throne of alpha maleness.

Still, I must admit, Bo Diddley and Piglet DO look rather ferocious (in an adorable kind of way). In fact, seeing them with their lion cuts almost makes me wish that I was a longhaired cat so I could get one too.

Mousebreath Is Here!

2011-06-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

The takeover of the Internet by cats has recently taken a giant leap (or, should I say, pounce) forward with the introduction of Mousebreath, an online lifestyle magazine written primarily by cats for cats and the humans who love them. It’s sort of like Vanity Fair for kitties, only MUCH better! No pesky Kardashians, J-Lo, Paris or Lindsey to take up valuable space with their boring human antics…. just cats, cats, cats all the time! And, if that’s not enough, your friend Quasi has joined Mousebreath as a contributor with a column, “Quasi’s Corner.” How cool is that?

Mousebreath has all types of fun and interesting things for us felines, including news, lifestyle info, photos, games, free stuff, and columns such as “Meezer Meditations with Chey & Ichiro,” “Ask Max Monday,” and “In Da Dugout with Jeter Harris… and, of course, “Quasi’s Corner.” You can even read Mousebreath on a Kindle. Talk about state of the art!

So here’s a big meow out to Karen Nichols, who created Mousebreath with help from Skeezix, a highly-regarded blogging cat and one of my personal kitty friends. Tina Brown has nothing on Karen and Skeezix!

Click here to check out Mousebreath.

An Idea for a New Show on Animal Planet - For Cats

2011-06-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Every so often, Animal Planet comes up with a new show about how to deal with “problem” cats. First there was “Housecat House Calls,” and now it’s “My Cat from Hell.” Sounds great, you might be thinking, but from a cat’s perspective, these shows have it all wrong. Why? Because both of these shows start with the premise that something is wrong with the cat. At least Jackson Galaxy (oh, please), the host of “My Cat from Hell” gets it that cats march to the beat of their own drummer, but on both shows, most of the human cat owners want to bend their kitty to their will. Dummkopfs!

Let me give you an example. On one episode of “Housecat House Calls,” a family had an entire wall full of glittering, moving figurines and was upset because their cat kept knocking them over. Well, hello, nitwitskis, what did you expect? What cat wouldn’t be interested in a wall of glittering, moving figurines? And yet, this family considered their cat to be a “problem.” Personally, I would have loved to see that cat go wild and thrash every last one of those figurines. Now, THAT would have been some high-quality television!

So as a kitty who is always thinking, I have an idea for a new show that will be much more entertaining and amusing for us cats. It will be called “My Human from Hell,” and it will view “problem” humans from the cat’s perspective. The show will start with the fundamental premise that cats do whatever they want whenever they want and don’t want to be bothered, played with or smothered with affection unless they choose to be. To drive this point home, any human that doesn’t cater to their cat’s every want and whim will be scorned and blithely ignored. And when a cat is being annoyed by a “problem” human, they will hiss and whap, and if the offense is bad enough, scratch, bite and draw blood. Yes, “My Human from Hell” will have it all – action, violence, bloodletting – just what

America

wants. Hey, you never know… “My Human from Hell” could be even better than “True Blood” or “Dexter.”

So, fellow feline, do your part… call Animal Planet today and tell them you want – no, you DEMAND – that they add “My Human from Hell” to their slate of programs. Maybe I’ll even host it myself. Of course, if I do, I’ll need a cool name. Hmmm, let’s see… how about Quasi Solar System?

Happy Father's Day, Cat Dads!

2011-06-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe, but there are actually humans on this earth who do not care for cats (the fools!), and many of those of those humans are males. Yes, fellow feline, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before… cats are too independent, cats are sneaky, cats don’t love you, etc., etc., etc.

Well, the fact is (according to the Humane Society), there are 38.2 million households in the U.S. that have at least one cat. Of those 38.2 million households, I would guess that around half have at least one human male, which means, if my math is correct, that there are 19.1 million human males in the U.S. who live with and love – or at least like – us cats.

Why bring all this up, you ask? Well, this coming Sunday is Father’s Day, and if your father is one of the 19.1 human males that live with and love cats, you’re probably wondering what gift to get them. And what better gift could there possibly be for a cat-loving dad then their own copies of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box? Sure, some human dads might prefer electronic gadgets, sporting goods, cases of beer and things like that, but those things won’t make him laugh his tail off like my books will! Plus, my books are WAY CHEAPER than electronic gadgets and all that other stuff. Order ‘em both from Amazon today and they’ll get them to you by Father’s Day. And if you want to read LOL-funny excerpts from both books, visit the official The World Is Your Litter Box website.

Meanwhile, here's wishing everyone, especially you cat dads, a HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

My Plate? How About My Food Bowl?

2011-06-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

As if humans don’t already have enough to worry about, they’ve now gone and replaced the age-old food pyramid with something called “My Plate.” For those not familiar with the food pyramid, it basically divided up food into six basic groups and told how much of each group a human should eat to stay healthy. With the new “My Plate,” as seen in the photo above, the food groups are divided into four quadrants with fruits and vegetables taking up half the space and grains and protein taking up the other half. Steve (my human) was disappointed to learn that potato chips are not part of the major food groups in either the old food pyramid or the new “My Plate.”

Now right about here, you’re probably thinking, “Geez, Quasi, this is all very nice, but what does it have to do with cats and OUR food?” Well, glad you asked. Not to be outdone by humans, I’ve come up with my own new food chart called “My Food Bowl.” I think you’ll find it MUCH MORE PALATABLE than the mundane human “My Plate.” Check it out…

So, fellow cat, for good health throughout all of your nine lives, stick to the template shown in “My Food Bowl.” Just make sure your human doesn’t try to fob off any disgusting fruit or vegetables on you!

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

On this Memorial Day, amid all the shopping and BBQs, let's all take a few moments to remember the humans who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect and defend the way of life we enjoy and hold so dear. I wish there were no wars, but I give wholehearted thanks the men and women who fought and died in them on our behalf.

And let's also use this opportunity to remember all the wonderful kitties who graced us with their presence and have now gone to the rainbow bridge. Thank you for the years of joy you gave us, and thank you for enriching our lives with your unconditional love. We remember you one and all.

Help for Tornado Victims (Humans and Animals)

2011-05-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

It may not be the rapture or the end of the world, but we certainly have had more than our fair share of storms lately, the Midwest in particular. On top of all the tornadoes that occurred a few weeks ago and the flooding of the Mississippi River, the city of Joplin, Missouri has been hit especially hard by an unusually-large tornado that struck with very little warning and leveled much of the town. As of this writing, over 100 people are dead and the damage, as you can see in the photo above, is heartbreaking.

In times of natural disasters like this, rescue services and charitable organizations are extremely overtaxed, including those that focus primarily on animals. And since we are animal lovers here (especially cats, but ALL animals), we want to encourage you to make a donation to your favorite animal rights and rescue organization. I know things are tight these days, but even a few bucks would help if you can do it.

Along with Steve and his female (my humans), I want to thank all the wonderful organizations that do so much to help animals and people in times like these. In a world that often seems cruel and heartless, you represent all that is good.

For a list of animal rights and rescue organizations, click here.

Photos of Famous Writers & Their Kitties

2011-05-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

This morning, while prowling around on the Internet with Steve, I discovered a very interesting website that is a must-see for all humans who love cats and literature… that’s right, intellectual cat lovers. The site, which is called Writers and Kitties, features photos of famous human writers and their true inspirations – their cats. Some of the cat-loving authors featured on the site and shown with their kitties include Stephen King, Joyce Carol Oates, Charles Bukowski, Raymond Chandler, Sylvia Plath, Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, Margaret Atwood, Aldous Huxley, Mark Twain, and of course, Ernest Hemingway.

What about Steve & Quasi, you ask? Well, having just discovered Writers and Kitties, we’ve just submitted a photo (shown above), which will hopefully be added to the site. Needless to say, it would truly be an honor to be included among so many great authors… and great kitties!

Meanwhile, click here to check out Writers and Kitties.

News Alert: Piglet's Compound Destroyed!

2011-05-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

Press Release from Quasi:

5/9/11 For Immediate Release

As part of my ongoing war with Piglet (my kitty housemate), I have taken bold and decisive action to destroy (well, okay… thrash) Pig’s well-fortified compound. As you can see from the Google Earth photo above, the compound was rendered semi-useless in this hush-hush (or, shall I say, hiss-hiss) precision strike. No civilian or kitty casualties occurred in the operation.

The flashpoint of my long-running conflict with Pig occurred shortly after Pig and his brother, Bo Diddley, came to live in our home and Pig, provocateur that he is, began staring at me for no apparent reason! Needless to say, this unwarranted act of aggression and assault on my alpha maleness could not go unpunished. When whaps, moans and hisses failed to do the job, further action was needed. I regret having to resort to taking up paws, but sometimes, a good thrashing is needed to put things right in the world.

I would like to thank the CIA, the National Security team and the U.S. Special Forces, although because I personally was able to wreck havoc on Pig’s compound with my overwhelming might and alpha male kittiness, their involvement in the operation was unnecessary. Meanwhile, the household remains on red alert in case Pig decides to take retaliatory action… or, even worse, stare at me some more.

Also, Anderson Cooper came by with a crew from CNN, but I wouldn't let him in!

How I Turned Steve's Mom Into a Cat Nut (A Mother's Day Story)

2011-05-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

Mother’s Day is this Sunday, which reminds me that not too long ago, I, singlehandedly, turned Steve’s mother into an unapologetic, totally nutted-out cat lover. How did I do it? Read this excerpt from The World Is STILL Your Litter Box and find out…

Here’s just one more thing that happened in our household since the release of my first book – something which illustrates how a cat’s love can conquer all…

Shortly before the arrival of Pig and B.D., Steve’s mom came to visit and stayed for five days. I’m not really too up on space/time continuum constructs, so I don’t really understand what Steve meant when he said that the five days felt like 500 years, but whatever… it was long enough for me to work my kitty magic.

At the time of her visit, Steve’s mom was not particularly fond of cats. In fact, during phone conversations, when Steve or the female told her about one of my oh-so-cute kitty antics, she always said something like, “Oh, you and your cat! You’d think he was your child.”

Actually, that’s true.

Anyway, when I heard that Steve’s mom was coming for a visit, I decided to take it upon myself to turn her feelings of antipathy toward cats into unquestionable, undying love. Yes, that’s right… I decided to turn her into a hopeless, unabashed cat nut with no chance of salvation or redemption.

The first thing I did after Steve’s mom arrived was to follow her around wherever she went. At first, she was a little perturbed, but after awhile, she started to enjoy my company and all the attention. This is one thing cats and females, mothers included, have in common… they all love it when you pay attention to them. I also snuggled up with Steve’s mom while she slept, and when she sat down, I made sure to jump up in her lap and purr at 120 decibels (which is roughly the volume level of a jet engine or a Metallica concert). I kept this up for the first two days she was here, and slowly but surely, the ice began to melt.

Then, as an integral part of my scheme, I pulled a quick about-face as only a cat can.

After dinner, while everyone was sitting around watching TV, I did NOT jump up in Steve’s mom’s lap as she expected. Instead, I sat a few feet away, cleaned myself and acted blasé. Steve’s mom patted her lap to indicate that I was welcome, but I turned up my nose, gave her a glimpse of my hindquarters and coolly sauntered away. And when she went to sleep that night, I was nowhere to be found.

Steve’s mom couldn’t believe I had shunned her.

“How come Quasi won’t sit on my lap anymore?” she asked Steve. “And he didn’t sleep with me last night.”

“But mom,” said Steve with a smirky grin. “I thought you didn’t like cats.”

“I never said I didn’t like cats.”

Next stop… another kitty convert.

To drive the point home and show Steve’s mom how cold the world can truly be without the comfort and love of a cat, I ignored her for a couple more hours. Then, to her great relief, I cranked my kitty charm-o-meter up to full power. I purred. I nuzzled. I looked cute. I meowed coquettishly. I sat in her lap and let her pet me. At night, I snuggled with her and burrowed under the covers like a spelunker. I ask you… how can ANY human go through life without a cat?

When it came time for Steve’s mom to go home, Steve gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll miss you,” she told Steve and the female. “But I’ll REALLY miss Quasi.”

And it wasn’t long before Steve’s mom got a cat of her own – a beautiful little calico kitty named Emily – and now when Steve calls her, all she talks about is… uh-huh, that’s correct… HER CAT.

Mission accomplished.

Here’s wishing mothers everywhere, cat, human and otherwise, a very HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY. None of us would be here without you.

The Royal Wedding

2011-04-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Unless you live in a deep dark hole in the ground somewhere, you can’t possibly not know that on Friday, Great Britain will celebrate its first REALLY BIG royal wedding since Prince Charles and Lady Diana were married in the early 1980s. Now their offspring, Prince William, is marrying Kate Middleton in a ceremony that is sure to command the attention of the entire world and will, most certainly, clog up the news media and the Internet (which will make it harder for me to get my daily LOLs on I Can Has Cheezburger). If some country wants to invade another country, Friday would be the time to do it because with all the distraction, no one will even notice.

You’re probably wondering why a cat like me is adding to the frenzy by blogging about the royal wedding. Well, to be perfectly honest, there’s really no reason other than the fact that if I didn’t, I would appear to be a Luddite who was unaware of the goings-on in the world around me. Naturally, as an all-knowing kitty, I’m not about to let that happen.

There is one question I do have, though, and that is… do William and Kate like cats? The people of Great Britain are notorious cat lovers, so here’s hoping that goes for the royal couple as well.

Meanwhile, here’s wishing William and Kate well, and may they live long and happy lives together. And me… well, I can’t wait till all the hoopla is over so I can get back to napping.

The New & Improved "Litter Box" On-Line Shop Is Here!

2011-04-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Just in time for spring, The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop has been completely revamped with new products and new designs for the discerning cat lover. Yes, we’ve got it all… from “Litter Box” t-shirts, coffee mugs, refrigerator magnets and key chains to “Give Us Noms” pet food bowls, “Laughed My Tail Off” boy briefs for women, and “The World IS My Litter Box” iPhone cases. We’ve even got unique products for infant and toddler cat lovers, including a “Litter Box” bib for messy eaters. It’s a veritable plethora of cat-related goodies for all ages!

But wait… there’s more! Profits from the sales of all items in the Litter Box On-Line Shop will be donated to the World Society for the Protection of Animals (WSPA), an organization doing wonderful things for animals worldwide, including the thousands of pets left homeless by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. You can visit the WSPA website at www.wspa-usa.org.

So why not treat yourself to a future collector’s item from our on-line shop and help the WSPA while you’re at it? And don’t forget… these distinctive products make great gifts for cat-loving moms – and Mother’s Day is only a couple weeks away.

Click here to access The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's Easter once again... time for Easter baskets, Easter bonnets, Easter parades, Easter egg hunts, and of course, the Easter Bunny. And like every year, many humans pause to wonder, "Who's cuter? Cats or the Easter Bunny?"

Well, clearly the answer is cats. We have to be cute 365 days a year, whereas the Easter Bunny only has to be cute on one. Plus, cats have to rely on their own wits to be cute, while the Easter Bunny can "buy" his allure with Easter holiday-related goodies like chocolate and colored eggs. Hrrrummpph! Yes, the Easter Bunny poses a significant challenge to kitty cuteness, but not to worry, fellow felines... your friend Quasi has come up with some bold and innovative ways to meet this cuteness assault head on. So, for your edification, here's the "Easter" section from the "Holiday Fun (& Danger)" chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box...

Easter: A nice holiday, but one in which our kitty cuteness is subject to competition and severely put to the test. For many, Easter is synonymous with that most adorable of holiday characters – the Easter Bunny Some adult humans buy real bunnies for the little ones and tell them it=s THE Easter Bunny, and little humans, with their gullible under-developed minds, believe them. Now, if there’s anything that comes to close to rivaling a cat for cuteness, it’s a bunny. Like us, they have soft fur and cute little noses, which they tend to wiggle in an irresistibly-charming manner (damn them!). And, what’s worse, this Easter Bunny character tries to buy the affection of little humans by bringing them candy and colored eggs. UNFAIR! UNFAIR! How can we cats compete with that?

Well, you could simply get tough and run the “Easter Bunny” off like so much riff-raff. However, doing so will NOT endear you to your human. No, the best thing is to meet the enemy head on and fight THEIR cuteness with YOUR cuteness. One on one. Mano a Mano.

But how, you ask? Well, first of all, remember that you are much smarter than the average bunny. After all, how many of THEM know the distance from Earth to the nearest Quasar? Very few, I can assure you. Hey, they don’t even know how to purr. Furthermore, because of your stellar personality and superior intellect (and because of the “How to Look Cute” chapter in this book), you have a full arsenal of cuteness ammunition at your disposal. Believe me, you have much more going for you than some Johnny-Come-Lately Easter Bunny. So be resourceful and don’t be intimidated. Trot out your most time-tested antics and attention-getting strategies. Use every word or sound in your vocabulary. Perform feats of astounding acrobatic prowess (let’s see an Easter Bunny run up a screen door). Sing cheezy Las Vegas-type ballads like Wayne Newton. Pout like an anorexic overpaid fashion model. Do whatever you have to do to send the “Easter Bunny” packing with his tail, cute as it may be, between his legs. And most importantly, remember that cuteness is only skin deep.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Shedding Season Is Here!

2011-04-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ahhh… spring is in the air. The weather is warming up, the days are getting longer, baseball is back, baby animals are being born… and IT’S SHEDDING SEASON! Yes, for us cats, it’s time to blow off our winter coats and shake off the doldrums of winter.

Shedding has some very pleasant benefits, not the least of which is the joy of getting cat hair all over everything in your home and getting extra-long spa treatment-type brushings from your human. Unfortunately, because we cats have a prediction for cleaning ourselves several times a day, a lot of loose fur ends up in our throats and tummies and becomes – yes, that’s right – hairballs. And as we all know, hairball time is kack-up time. So, as a public service to all my fellow felines, here’s a list of 20 good places to throw up, excerpted from The World Is Your Litter Box….

1. In your human's shoes (preferably Louboutins or Guccis).

2 On the keyboard of your human's computer

3. On the remote control for the TV.

4. On a comb or a hairbrush.

5. On the couch.

6. On a priceless Oriental rug.

7. On your human's iPod.

8. Over a floor heater (preferably when it's on).

9. In the toaster

10. On an open waffle iron.

11. On the hated vacuum cleaner (while it's standing idle, of course).

12. On your human's copy of the Magna Carta.

13. On the bed (or better yet, under the covers).

14. On one or both of the pillows.

15. On a pile of clean, neatly-folded clothes (my personal favorite!).

16. On the food buffet table during a party.

17. On your human's phone (preferably in the little impossible-to-clean mouthpiece holes).

18. On the kitchen floor (from the top of the refrigerator... talk about a Jackson Pollock art happening!).

19. On your human's rare copy of Elvis Presley's "Good Rockin' Tonight" on Sun Records.

20. In your food bowl (if you don't like the food and want it replaced... works every time).

A Truly Fat Cat

2011-04-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago, Steve’s female (who told me to say that she is the BEST realtor in the San Fernando Valley), visited a property and saw what she described as the fattest cat she had ever seen. And, madre de dios, was she ever right! Even though I’m well-known for my somewhat portly and prodigious girth, this kitty (shown in the photo above) makes me look like a ballerina.

Now it may seem funny for a kitty to be this fat, and in The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, I facetiously wrote about what to do if your human puts you on a diet, but all kidding aside, it’s not good for any cat to be this hefty. As with humans, obesity puts undue strain on the heart and other vital organs, and makes day-to-day functioning very difficult. And even though we cats sleep around 20 hours a day, there are still times when we need to run, jump and play. So, fellow plus-size kitties, it’s fine if you’re a little on the rotund side like me, but if you start looking like the cat in the photo, you might want to push back from your food bowl a little bit.

For a more complete story about the kitty in the photo, you can visit the female’s blog by clicking here.

On a slightly different subject, my blog has been added to Facebook’s “Networked Blogs” application. To follow my blog on Facebook, click on “Follow This Blog” in the badge down just a little ways in the right-hand column.

A Visit with Matilda at the Algonquin Hotel

2011-03-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Steve and his female (my humans) are back from their visit to New York City, and as I had hoped, they were granted an audience with Matilda, the house cat at the famous Algonquin Hotel. When Steve and the female entered the hotel and asked to see Matilda, they were told that she was off-duty and not seeing anyone. Fortunately, Steve used his cache as the co-author of The World Is Your Litter Box, and voila… they were led into the inner sanctum at the Algonquin – well, okay, the luggage room – where they found Matilda resting from the rigors of her job running the hotel and looking cute for the guests. That’s Steve in the photo above, giving Matilda a well-deserved petting.

Later, Steve and his female had drinks at the Algonquin (which were ouchie-expensive, but what the hay), and what did they discover right behind their chairs… one of Matilda’s favorite sleeping places, as evidenced by the authentic Matilda kitty hair in the photo below...

Matilda, who is the latest in a long line of house kitties dating back to the 1930s at the Algonquin, is very sweet, so if your humans live in or go to New York City, be sure they stop in and say hello. And tell her Quasi sent you.

The REAL Reason for My Humans' Trip to NYC

2011-03-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Steve and his female (my humans) are going to New York City for a few days to visit friends and just generally goof around in the Big Apple. But the REAL reason for their trip, so they’ve assured me, is to meet Matilda, the famous Algonquin Hotel kitty (shown above), and enlist her help in promoting my books (those would be The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in case you’d forgotten!).

The Algonquin Hotel, which is famous for its writer’s round table of the 1920s, has had a house kitty since the 1930s, with Matilda being the latest. Naturally, Matilda has become a big celebrity in New York, so it will be quite exciting to make her acquaintance, even if it is only through Steve and his female.

Of course, with Steve and the female gone, me and my housemates, Bo Diddley and Piglet, will be left at home alone – well, not actually alone… we’ll be cared for by our wonderful pet sitter. But still, as always when the humans go away, they will pay dearly for their transgression in the form of household damage. I just might cut them a little slack, though, if they bring me back a pawtographed photo of Matilda.

Cat Island Survives Earthquake & Tsunami in Japan

2011-03-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

Amid the tragic and heartbreaking stories coming out of Japan in the wake of the devastating earthquake and tsunami, there’s finally a bit of good news… Cat Island, along with its people and multitude of cats, has survived!

Cat Island, known as Tashirojima, is located off the northeast coast of Honshu, Japan’s main island. Because of the island's close proximity to the epicenter of the earthquake, the inhabitants (cats and people) were feared to have been lost. However, via a post on The Conscious Cat from a cat lover with a friend in Japan, we have word that the cats and people are okay! Of course, there was extensive building damage and the need for bare necessities is great…. but at least, Cat Island has prevailed.

On Tashirojima, there are only around 100 people, most of whom are elderly, and they are greatly outnumbered by cats. Cat Island came to be when years ago, the islanders raised silkworms for silk and cats were used to keep the mouse population down. The cat population was subsequently nurtured by fisherman, who interpreted the cats’ actions as predictions of weather and fish patterns. The fishermen even created a shrine for a cat that was killed by a falling rock.

Needless to say, rescue services and humanitarian organizations in Japan are severely overloaded, and much help is needed from the world community. If you would like to make a donation and help the cats and people on Tashirojima (and in other stricken areas of Japan), visit World Vets, an international organization that provides aid to animals worldwide. For a list of other animal-related aid organizations, go to “Animal Rights & Rescue Organizations” under “Links” on The World Is Your Litter Box website.

Special thanks to Ingrid King of The Conscious Cat and Karen Nichols of The Cat’s Meow for conveying the good news about Cat Island.

A Cute Kitty Photo & Funny One-Liners

2011-03-05T18:27:00.000-08:00

Steve and his female (my humans) are very fond of a TV show called Tosh.O on Comedy Central, which features funny, sick, inane, and sometimes disgusting (but wildly hilarious) videos that have been posted on the Internet by allegedly normal humans. In one of the segments, they run a short clip, then Daniel Tosh, the comedian who hosts the show, says something like, “Let’s put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments I can make.”

Well, as you know, ‘ole Quaz is quite a jokester himself, so I decided to “put 20 seconds on the clock” and see how many funny one-liners I could come up with about this adorable kitty-in-a-bag photo….

I didn’t know they sold cute kitties at Trader Joes!
Hey, there’s no cat food in here!
Bet you’re wondering what aisle they found me in.
Grocery bag… or portal to Hell?
Paper is WAY better than plastic.
Wait ‘til they see what I did in their granola!
These groceries are MINE.
That was the most delicious arugula I ever ate.
What? No Chateau Lafite?
I’m organic!
Going through self checkout was HIGHLY confusing.

So when do I get my own show on Comedy Central?

Goodbye Borders

2011-02-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

As I’m sure pretty much everyone knows, big changes are afoot in the way media – including books – is delivered to the buying public. More and more, the Internet has become the premiere shopping spot for books, music, video and the like, and this change, naturally, has had a severe impact on the old “brick and mortar” way of doing business. Each day, it seems, another bookstore or music store closes their doors forever… sort of like blacksmith shops when automobiles started to catch on, or typewriter shops when computers became commonplace.

The latest victim of this change is Borders, which was previously a major bookseller right up there with Barnes & Noble. Borders’ management is saying that the company is merely restructuring and regrouping, but with so many Borders stores closing around the country, it’s pretty obvious that the end is near. The photo of The World Is Your Litter Box (above) was taken at the Borders store in downtown San Francisco, which is currently in the process of being picked clean before it closes.

Still, change is inevitable, and on the bright side, the Internet is offering all kinds of very cool options for book buyers and authors such as yours truly. For example, if you have an e-reader, you can download The World Is STILL Your Litter Box and be reading it in minutes without even having to leave your home. (Yes, I know… another shameless plug for my second book. Sorry…I couldn’t resist!)

Sad as it is to see the old ways change and disappear, it is truly exciting to be living in an age when new ideas and innovations seem to be coming at us on a daily basis. Can new advances in litter boxes and scratching posts be far behind?

The REAL Reason for the Protests in Egypt

2011-02-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

I’m pretty certain there’s not a human or cat on Earth that does not know about the protests in Egypt that have driven longtime president/dictator Hosni Mubarak from power. But what many people DON’T know is the REAL REASON for the protests. Sure, everyone has heard about the oppression, the plundering of Egypt’s wealth, and worst of all, the cutoff of the Internet… but that’s not what sent thousands of Egyptians into the streets. Your intrepid reporter, Quasi Tutankhamun, has the true story, but first, a little history…

The ancient Egyptians, in their glorious wisdom, worshipped a cat goddess named Bastet, who became a national deity around 950 BC (that’s a long time ago, even in cat years). Bastet, who was also known as Bast, was a happy and benign goddess who brought good fortune and joy to all… sort of like kitties today. And because all cats were considered to be manifestations of Bastet, they were considered sacred – in fact, cats were so highly regarded in Egyptian society that it was a crime to kill a cat and punishable by death. Some Egyptians were even jailed for failing to give their cats proper tummy rubs (actually, I just made that part up, but let’s just say that those Egyptian kitties certainly had it made!).

Now, to the real reason for the protests. Of all the odious things Hosni Mubarak did during his 30-year rule, perhaps none were more insidious that his stubborn refusal to accept the fact that cats are STILL sacred like they were in ancient Egypt, and that Egypt can only have one true leader… the cat goddess Bastet. Well, clearly something as egregious as this could not be tolerated… so, like the good cat lovers they are, the modern day Egyptians took it to the streets, and after several days of angry protests, they righted this appalling wrong.

So, fellow manifestations of Bastet, no matter which human ends up being the titular head of Egypt, never forget that Egypt’s real leader walks on four legs, purrs, looks cute, and no matter how demanding the stress of leadership may be, always has time for a nice tummy rub.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s that time of year again when a young cat’s fancy turns to love, although yours truly is a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin’ love 365 days a year. Still, there’s nothing like having a special day dedicated to amour for everyone to enjoy and remember how important love truly is. I hope everyone has someone special to share it with.

For your loving (and laughing) pleasure, here’s the “Valentine’s Day” excerpt from the “Holiday Fun & Danger” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…

Valentine’s Day: A good holiday for cats. Love is in the air and typically, male humans give female humans gifts such as candy and flowers. This means you will have wrapping paper and ribbons to play with and flowers to sniff (and eat). If your human gets a box of candy and leaves the top off, you can have the sumptuous pleasure of licking and sampling each individual piece. Because humans tend to get all mushy and gooey on Valentine’s day, you can usually expect to receive a little extra lovin’ yourself, and maybe even a present. Steve and his female are such shameless cat lovers that they always buys me a Valentine present, usually a cat toy, catnip, or the most expensive kind of kitty food. Ain’t love grand!

NOTE: In some instances on Valentine’s Day, your human may pay more attention to another human than you. This is UNACCEPTABLE HUMAN BEHAVIOR and cannot be tolerated. If your human is being amorous with another human and ignoring you, jump between (or on) them and meow loudly to express your displeasure. Then, turn your back, stick your rear end in their faces and march off in a huff. Make them understand that Valentine’s Day or not, you are numero uno and will not be ignored.

Along with Steve and his female, and Bo Diddley and Piglet (my kitty housemates) I want to wish you and yours a most happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine's Day Gift Suggestions (For Males Only!)

2011-02-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hey tomcats and male humans… I know what you’re thinking right about now. You’re thinking, “Yikes! Valentine’s Day is just a little over a week away and I haven’t gotten anything for my honey! Whatever shall I do?” Well, if your Valentine loves cats (and who doesn’t), may I humbly suggest that you buy her my two books, The World Is Your Litter Box and the sequel, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. In fact, to accentuate my point, here are ten good reasons why my books would make such great presents for your cat-loving Valentine:

They’re much more original than roses.
They’re way cheaper than roses (now I’ve got your attention, huh).
They’re less fattening than chocolates.
They won’t melt and turn gooey like chocolates.
We need the money more than See’s Candy or FTD Florist.
They’re sexier than anything you'll find at Victoria's Secret (well... maybe not)
Your Valentine will be impressed with your exceptional taste in literature.
You can order the books from Amazon and avoid the dreaded mall… and Amazon will even gift wrap them for you!
Your Valentine will think you’re the cat’s pajamas for getting her such a unique and thoughtful gift.
Your Valentine will like my books so much, you might even get lucky!

So this Valentine’s Day, give her what she REALLY wants… her own copies of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Order them right away and be a hero on February 14th!

Cat Products That REALLY Work (Yeah, right!)

2011-01-25T09:37:00.000-08:00

A couple days ago, I was hanging out with Steve’s female while she was reading the Sunday New York Times Magazine and I couldn’t help but notice an ad for a sofa with the pledge “Constructed to Last for Generations.” Now, admittedly, this sofa looked very nice and well-built, but “last for generations?” Oh, please! I could shred this entire sofa in a matter of hours without even straining myself! So “last for generations”… well, maybe if you’re talking about gnat generations. But if you’re talking human or cat generations, forget it.

During the course of watching TV with Steve and his female, I’ve seen numerous commercials for a variety of products that are “guaranteed to work,” but would, in fact, revolutionize mankind – and in some instances, cat-kind – if they actually did. To entice humans to try these products, many commercials include “But wait, there’s more!” where they “give” you accessories or an extra item or something like that. Regardless of the hype, most of these products fail to perform as advertised, break quickly, or are just plain junk to begin with. Here are a few cat-related products that have been advertised on TV and are “guaranteed to work.” (I’m not mentioning the names of the products or the manufacturers because we can’t afford to get sued)...

First is a revolutionary new cat scratcher that sits on the floor and is supposed to be irresistible to us felines… it’s scented with catnip (big whoop). This is a clever little gadget, but completely unacceptable to any cat that wants a truly good scratch. It’s far too small to allow you to stretch and get your back into it while scratching, and besides, who wants to use this sad little thing when there’s a perfectly good couch close at paw. And furthermore, as I said in my second book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, scratching posts are for sissies… real cats ALWAYS use the couch.

Then there’s a cleaning product that’s “guaranteed” to remove pet hair from upholstery. Well, like most pet hair removal products, this one uses a sticky sheet to pick up the fur and dander, but what they don’t show you on TV is that after about two swipes, the sticky sheet is so full of fur that it’s no longer sticky and you have to replace it. So, yes, around 500 sticky sheets and a whole lot of work later, you’ve got a couch that’s free of pet hair… until one of us loving creatures gets back up there and negates all your labors in about two seconds.

Lastly, we’ve got an item that’s supposed to stop us cats from shedding. Supposedly, this doodad removes fur trapped in a cat’s undercoat before it falls out. Well, if you believe that, I’ve got some swampland in Florida I’d like to sell you. The simple fact is that when we kitties get to shedding, especially in the spring when we blow off our winter coats, there’s not a de-shedding tool in the world that can stem the tide (or the fur).

So remember TV-watching humans, if you see a commercial for a cat product that seems too good to be true, it probably is. Still, you never know when they might come up with something that really does work, so… well, probably not.

Les Chats de France

2011-01-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Late last fall, Steve and his female made their third visit to France…yes, they are incorrigible Francophiles. This time, they spent a few days in Normandy before going to Paris, and as always, they made sure to stop, pet and photograph every chat (that’s “cat” in French) they encountered. And when Steve and the female come home from France, I always love to hear about all the chats they met and, of course, look at the photos.

In the collage above (click on it to enlarge), the top left photo was taken in Beuvron-en-Auge, a well-preserved 17th Century village in Normandy, and the chat Steve is petting had only three legs. Despite this handicap, the chat had no trouble prancing over to the table and meowing for a café-au-lait, preferably without the café-au.

The top right photo was also taken in Beuvron-en-Auge and shows that all cats – wherever they live and whatever they are called – love tummy rubs! And yes, this chat did grab and bite Steve’s arm. Some things are the same all over.

The bottom left photo was taken in the Marais district of Paris, near the Hotel de Sens. The Marais is a very popular area for humans and kitties, and this particular chat was only too happy to have a nice hind-end rub (yes, that oh-so-sensitive spot above the tail knows no international boundaries).

The last photo shows a very nice white chat (my astral twin) in Montorgueil, a pedestrian area in the center of Paris that is famous for its fish, meat and produce markets. This lucky chat actually lives in one of the markets and gets to nap on whatever food he wants. How franciase is that?

So that's my little travelogue. I hope you enjoyed seeing the photos and meeting my kitty amis (that’s “friends” in French) who live in Paris and Normandy. Vive le chats!

Shapewear... WTF?

2011-01-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

In my first book, The World Is Your Litter Box, I astutely stated that females can be tricky… you never quite know what they’re up to. Well, ever since I wrote those famous words, I’ve spent literally hundreds of hours trying to figure out Steve’s female and some of the strange things she does.

For example, in the morning, she goes into the bathroom looking a bit bedraggled from sleep (don’t we all when we first wake up), but when she comes out, seemingly hours later, she looks fresh, fluffed and buffed. How does she do it? I’ve done a little snooping around in her bathroom when she’s not home and found all kinds of mysterious objects like powders, strange brushes, pencils and other odd-looking tools, and little plastic containers of something called makeup… but still, how does she take all this stuff and make herself look good? Talk about a flummoxing enigma for cats!

Then just the other day, I was poking around in a drawer of the female’s dresser (inadvertently but conveniently left open for my rummaging pleasure) and I found an unusual item of clothing with the name “Shapewear.” This underwear-type item seemed to be made out of some kind of rubbery substance similar to the stinger the female shoots at me when I misbehave (Note from Steve… the stinger is actually a small rubber band). Naturally, my first thought was “What could the female possibly be up to with this?” So, the next morning, I lurked around the bedroom while the female was getting dressed, and to my amazement, when she pulled on the Shapewear, it completely changed the size and dimensions of her hind end! Madre de dios! Clearly this is some new kind of civil engineering marvel they’ve come up with for females, but how does it work? Is there no end to the complexity and wonder of products designed to enhance the female mystique?

Well, fellow cat, I’m going to get to the bottom of all this and find out what’s up with this Shapewear invention and the science behind it. Meanwhile, I have just one question for the manufacturers of Shapewear… do you make Shapewear for rotund cats such as myself?

Anger and Violence in America

2011-01-10T10:51:00.000-08:00

As readers of this blog know, I usually keep things pretty light and humorous and leave the heavy stuff to others. But today, after the horrible shooting incident in Tucson over the weekend, I don’t feel very much like smiling or, in my case, purring.

By this time, I’m sure everyone knows the details of the story… six people dead including a nine-year-old girl, several people wounded, and a U.S. Congressperson in critical condition with a head injury. But what makes me saddest of all is the undercurrent of anger, violence and general mean-spiritedness that seems to have permeated our culture in the USA, and is, in my opinion, a major reason for tragedies like this one. And it’s not just the usual suspects of talk radio and TV “news”…you’ll find loads of unbridled anger and nastiness in our music, our reality TV shows, our computer games, and all over the Internet. And when you combine this roiling undercurrent with a populace that’s armed to the teeth… well, it makes you wish humans would be more like cats. Sure we kitties disagree and fight from time to time, but we always manage to settle our differences with our own claws and teeth instead of weaponry. And most of the time, we manage to be pretty sweet.

So how about it humans? If we cats can rein in our anger and keep our tempers in check most of the time, certainly you can too. Hey, I like mayhem in movies and screeching “real” housewives on TV as much as the next fellow, but perhaps we should take a step back and think about what all this is doing to us as a society. Surely we can do much, much better. Meanwhile, our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of the shooting incident in Tucson, and to their families and friends.

Wave of the Future

2011-01-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

Over the holiday season, a very interesting phenomenon occurred in the publishing and bookselling industry, which, as an author cat, I follow very closely. Barnes & Noble reported that for the first time ever, the sales of ebooks surpassed the sales of hard copy books on its online bookstore. Barnes & Noble also indicated that customers downloaded around one million books on Christmas day alone, and both Barnes and Noble and Amazon are reporting mega sales of their respective e-readers, the Nook and the Kindle.

What this means to yours truly is that anyone in the world, wherever they may be, can go online, download The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, and be reading it in a matter of minutes. Talk about wave of the future! Unfortunately, my first book, The World Is Your Litter Box, is not yet available as an ebook… but you can help. Simply click on the Amazon link for the book, go to “Tell the Publisher,” and click on “I’d like to read this book on Kindle.” On the Barnes & Noble link for the book, click on “Tell the publisher you want this in Nookbook format.” If enough cats and cat lovers do this, maybe both of my books will soon be available as ebooks and my plan for kitty world domination will enter the digital age! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

A quick note: The Barnes & Noble link for the paperback version of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box says that the book is not available for the Nook. This is NOT TRUE, and the error is being corrected. You can order The World Is STILL Your Litter Box for the Nook here.

And while I’m shamelessly plugging my books for the first time in 2011, let me humbly remind you that if you have a book store gift certificate left over from the holidays… well, I think you get the picture!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-29T14:42:00.001-08:00

As we head into the second decade of the new Millennium, I want to extend my best kitty wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous new year. I know 2010 was pretty difficult for many humans (and their cats), so hopefully, 2011 will be a lot better. I also want to thank everyone who bought and read my two books, and I especially want to thank those of you who let us know how much they’ve enjoyed them. We really appreciate it!

And now, to start 2011 off with a few yuks, here’s the “New Years Eve” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box…

New Years Eve: For some reason, many humans like to begin the new year by celebrating wildly, drinking to excess, and throwing up (and they call us animals!). At midnight, these well-oiled pagans yell “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” hug and kiss other humans they normally hate, then sing “Old Lang Syne” and get all blubbery. This is a holiday that does not hold a lot of promise for cats. Most likely your house will be filled with loud, obnoxious strangers and you will have to seek refuge in one of your favorite hiding places. However, there are a couple benefits. First of all, when humans have parties, their guests often leave their coats on the bed in a darkened bedroom. This provides you with an excellent opportunity to sleep on different clothing (and to leave cat hair all over it and teach the intruders a lesson for disturbing YOUR peace and quiet).

The best part of New Years Eve, however, is when all the revelers finally go home. In most cases, your human will be too tired (or too wasted) to clean up the mess. When they finally noodle out, the remaining food and debris is YOURS FOR THE TAKING. Because your human will probably sleep soundly for hours, you can eat as much as you want and play among the ruins to your heart’s content. Sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll!

NOTE #1: If you come across a bottle with a small amount of liquid still inside... go ahead and taste it, but DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. One New Years Eve, I knocked over and drank about a third of a bottle of beer and, oooooh wheeee, it really twisted my head around. I must admit, fellow celebrant, that I got a little goofy my own self. Ultimately, I ended up falling asleep and missing most of the fun. So be careful what you drink. And before you “party hearty, appoint a designated kitty.

NOTE #2: Because humans tend to become a little wobbly when they drink, be sure to stay out of their way to avoid being stepped on, or crushed if they pass out and tip over. Also, for you outdoor cats, stay away from the street where reckless and sometimes drunk drivers abound.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL from Steve and his female (my humans), Piglet & Bo Diddley (my housemates), and most of all, from yours truly.

Holiday Greetings!!!

2010-12-21T08:46:00.001-08:00

As the yuletide season reaches its crescendo and 2010 draws to a close, I would like to extend best my wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas holiday, and for a healthy and happy new year. It’s been a wild and wacky year, but aren’t they all?

And, for your holiday reading pleasure – and some good laughs – here’s the “Christmas” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box…

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.
And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Snowy Weather... What's It Like?

2010-12-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

As we approach the Christmas holiday, many areas of the United States, especially the midwest and parts of the east coast, are buried under snow and experiencing extremely cold weather. Since I live in Southern California, where it never gets really cold - although we do have scary earthquakes from time to time - I can't even imagine what it must be like to deal with frigid temperatures. About the closest I've ever come is one time when I was high on catnip, I accidentally stepped in my water bowl, which had just been filled with water from the refrigerator... THAT was pretty cold. (Right about here, you kitties in cold climates are probably thinking "Pshaw, you wuss...that's nothing!).

Anyway, as a cat who has never even SEEN snow or ice (well, I have seen ice cubes), I'm very curious about what living in a winter wonderland is really like for us kitties. I'm hoping some of my feline friends who live in snowy areas can answer some of the following questions for me...

Does snow tickle when it falls on your nose?
How does snow feel when you step in it?
Can you see your breath when you hiss at an enemy kitty?
How do you get traction on an icy surface if you have to run away from a dog?
Can you still climb trees when they have snow on them?
Does your fur keep you warm enough when you go outside?
Can your human still get to the store to buy your food?
Does your tongue stick to your fur when you lick yourself?
How do you form snowballs with no opposable thumbs?
Where is all this snow going to go when it finally melts?

Here’s hoping that all cats in cold climates have a nice fireplace to sleep in front of during the day and warm humans to cuddle up with at night.

10 Good Reasons to Buy My Books on Line and Avoid the Mall (For Men Only)

2010-12-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hey human males, if you’re like Steve (my human), I’m guessing that you would rather have hydrofluoric acid splashed in your face than to have to go to a shopping mall even under the best of circumstances. And with Christmas Day fast approaching, well, let’s just say it’s not going to be pretty. From here on out guys, a trip to the mall is almost guaranteed to darken your holiday mood and make you think evil thoughts about your fellow humans.

But wait! There’s a way to avoid all this angst-fueled mayhem and ‘ole Quaz is going to tell you how. If you have a cat lover on your holiday gift list (and who doesn’t?), I’m quite certain that they would rather have copies of my books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box) than just about anything else on earth. And because the books are readily available on Amazon.com, you can avoid the mall altogether! Think of it! In fact, here are ten good reasons why you should order my books on-line rather than go to the mall looking for other presents for cat lovers (that won’t be nearly as cool anyway)…

You can order my books from the comfort of your own home.
You won’t get into a fistfight with another driver for the one remaining space in the mall parking structure.
You won’t have to hear stupor-inducing Christmas music.
You won’t get jostled by irritating hoards of other half-mad shoppers.
You won’t have to hear babies’ cries spiking above the white noise din of the mall.
You won’t have to eat ulcer-ific “food” in the food court.
You won’t have to wait for your wife or girlfriend while she “just stops by a shoe department for a quick look,” but ends up trying on 739 pairs of shoes.
You won’t have to deal with semi-literate temporary holiday workers who have absolutely no idea what they actually sell in the store.
You won’t have to plod aimlessly through the mall searching for the “perfect” gift, which probably doesn’t exist anyway.
You can order my books, then lapse into a state of bliss knowing that this holiday season, the mall will not steal your soul.

So save yourselves, brothers… order my books from Amazon and avoid the whole shebang. In fact, just thinking about going to a shopping mall makes me glad that I’m a cat (hey, going to the vet is bad enough!).

We Almost Moved!

2010-12-01T17:04:00.001-08:00

This post is a little out of the ordinary for me because it pertains mainly to Steve and his female (my humans) more than it does to cats… although as a preeminent member of our family and the alpha male in the household, I’m impacted by anything that affects Steve and the female.

A couple weeks ago, Steve and his female (who is a Realtor) found a townhouse that they REALLY liked. It was in a great location, had all kinds of cool features including a private rooftop deck, and most importantly, it had appropriate space in the downstairs bathroom for a litter box. The listing agent worked in the female’s office and the female considered her to be a friend, so naturally, Steve and the female felt they had a pretty good shot at getting the place… especially after they made a full-price offer.

Not to bore you with all the gory details (which you can read about on the female’s blog), but after being led to believe they had the “inside track” on the townhouse, Steve and his female learned that the listing agent had her own buyer, and in the end (surprise, surprise), the listing agent’s buyer ended up getting the townhouse. Naturally, Steve and his female were VERY disappointed… and I didn’t get to move into a nice new place.

Steve and the female are being pretty philosophical about the whole thing, but being a cat, I’m not quite as nice or forgiving as them. So, to the listing agent, here’s a big juicy feline hiss just for you. And don’t expect any treats from me this Christmas!

It's The Holiday Season!!!!

2010-11-29T09:19:00.000-08:00

Being the shrewd observer that I am, I’ve noticed that store-owning humans have given nicknames to a couple days of the week to entice other humans to go out buy all kinds of stuff for the holidays. For example, the day after Thanksgiving is now known as Black Friday, when humans line up outside stores in the darkness of the wee wee hours to scarf up ultra bargains. Actually, it’s pretty hard to miss Black Friday, because when the advertising-flyer-laden morning paper hit the front step on Thanksgiving day, it shook the house like an earthquake (or, for you cats who don’t live in earthquake country… a tornado or a hurricane). And today, as this is being written, it’s Cyber Monday, where humans are encouraged to crank up their computers and buy all kinds of products on line… including my books. (In fact, to buy them from Amazon, click http://tiny.cc/zbaqa... hey, I’m just as crass and commercial as the next guy!)

As a cat who always thinks outside the litter box, I’ve come up with names for the other weekdays. After all, why should only two days get special names to encourage shopping when there are three other perfectly good weekdays to exploit. Here are my suggestions:

Treat Tuesday: A day when all pet-loving humans (yes, even dog lovers) could go out and buy tons of treats for their animals. The pet shops could have fantastic “doorbuster” sales on items such as cat treats and catnip for 50% off. Even I would give up one of my 20 daily naps to get in line at 3:00 a.m. for deals like that!

Wacky Wednesday: A day when humans in general could be manipulated by clever advertisements into thinking that they truly need all kinds of superfluous and passé junk that the stores couldn’t get rid of in past holiday seasons. Who wouldn’t want to stand in line for hours and go completely mad for a chance to grab “classic” gifts such as Beanie Babies or a Sony Walkman at bargain basement prices?

Thumpin’ Thursday: This could be sort of like Black Friday, but limited to extremely macho men who like to fight first and ask questions later. The stores could slash prices on manly things like power tools and Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendars, then encourage male customers to brawl their way to the bargains. The whole shebang could be shown on TV, streamed on the Internet, and even made into a video game, which would sell millions and help the economy. Am I a genius or what?

Anyway, like it or not, the holiday season is upon us. Bring on the Johnny Mathis Christmas music!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

Now right about here, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, Quasi, those are very nice Thanksgiving sentiments and all that, but what does Thanksgiving hold in store for us cats?” Well, for your edification and enjoyment, here’s the Thanksgiving section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…

Thanksgiving: A good holiday for cats, even if it’s not so good for turkeys. At Thanksgiving, human families get together to gorge themselves and good feeling is in the air (as are an abundance of good cooking smells!) In most households with male and female humans, the male usually spends the day watching football on TV while the female toils in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to providing engrossing tension and lively, entertaining arguments, this situation will afford you a good lap to sleep in, unless your male human becomes over-exuberant and spills beer on you, and plenty of interesting activity in the kitchen. Once the table is set, you might want to jump up there and make sure all the silverware, plates, and glasses are properly arranged. And when dinner is finally served, be sure to go from person to person looking as cute (and hungry) as possible. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving turkey. Yum! Then, when dinner is over and everyone is sated beyond the point of decency, including you, you can go into the bedroom and have a nice snooze on everyone’s coats, just like on New Years Eve and other holidays during cold seasons. Yes, there is much to be thankful for.

Along with Steve and Judy (my humans), and Bo Diddley and Piglet (my kitty compadres), I want to wish everyone - cat, human and otherwise - a very safe and happy Thanksgiving!

A Holiday Gift Idea for Cat Lovers (Guess What it Might Be!)

2010-11-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

Another year is winding down and that means that the holiday season is almost upon us (Gulp!). You know what this means… over one full month of crowded shopping malls and post offices, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless, unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other ridiculously- expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford.

Well, this year, ‘ole Quaz is going to make things a lot easier for you. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming that you’re either a cat or a cat lover, and what could be a finer gift for cat lovers than copies of my books, The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Now here’s the best part… you can order these books from Amazon.com and avoid the mall completely! Think of it… no crowds, no hassles, no Johnny Mathis Christmas songs. Amazon will even do the gift wrapping for you, and if you order both books together, you can save a few bucks on shipping. Voila!

So this year, get the cat (or cat lover) on your holiday gift list what they REALLY want – The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box – and make it easy on yourself. Why mess around when the answer to the question, “What should I get for all the cat people in my life?” is just a few easy clicks away. And I guarantee you this… these books will bring laughter and enjoyment to anyone who shares their home with a cat and fully understands what wonderful little creatures we cats truly are.

Hey, I managed to get through this entire blog post without saying that my books are the PURR-fect gift for cat lovers!

Remembering Our Veterans...

2010-11-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

Fortunately for us cats, we don’t have to fight in wars (except maybe when we go mano a mano with another cat, and that only lasts a few seconds at most). War among humans, on the other hand, is a terrible thing… it’s like a gigantic, horrifying, out-of-control machine with gnashing teeth and bone-crushing strength that lays waste to pretty much everything that gets in its way, including living things. No one seems to like or want wars, but they continue to happen over and over again. Why? I wish I knew.

Recently, Steve (my human) and his female went to France and spent some time in Normandy, where on June 6th, 1944, during World War II, soldiers from the United States, Great Britain and Canada landed on the beaches in a very bloody event known as D-Day. It was the beginning of the end of World War II, but thousands of young humans paid a dreadful price. Steve and his female visited those beaches and the hallowed ground that is now the American Cemetery (shown in the photo above). It was a sobering, heartbreaking reminder of the staggering cost of war in human terms, but it also made them feel extremely grateful to all those young people who died so long ago.

So on this Veteran’s Day, let's all take a few moments to remember the humans who made the ultimate sacrifice to defend and protect the way of life we enjoy and hold so dear. I wish there were no wars, but I give wholehearted thanks the men and women who fought and died in them on our behalf.

OMG! I Have a Cat Crush on Taylor Swift!

2010-11-04T08:32:00.001-07:00

The other day, I was just waking up from one of my 20 daily naps when I heard a sweet, yet familiar voice wafting in from the next room. Like a powerful and alluring Siren, the voice called out to me and beckoned me to come closer, which (being a nosy, curious cat) I did. I saw Steve’s female sitting at her computer, and when I jumped up on the desk for a better look, it all became crystal clear. Oh, yes. Steve’s female was on iTunes downloading songs from an album by – that’s right, you guessed it – my ultimate mancat crush of all time… Taylor Swift.

Apparently, Taylor Swift has a new album called “Speak Now,” and there it was, with an irresistible photo of Taylor Swift herself, right on the female’s computer screen. Oh, Taylor (may I call you Taylor?), please come over and rub my tummy… I promise I won’t grab and claw your arm (well… maybe I will). Perhaps we could even have a romantic, candlelight dinner of Kitty Stew together, and then I could curl up in your lap for a cozy catnap. OMG, have I gone crazy? Have I lost my little kitty mind?

I first saw Taylor Swift when she hosted Saturday Night Live about a year ago, and ever since them, I’ve had a BIG CAT CRUSH on her. Now I know this is just a crazy fantasy and that nothing will ever come of it, but I find myself dreaming of her gentle touch as she pets my head, kisses my nose and cuddles me. It makes me purr just thinking about it! I wonder if Taylor Swift is a cat person? And, dare I even think it… I wonder if she’s read The World Is Your Litter Box or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box?

Oh well, like I said, probably nothing will ever come of my kitty crush. I’m sure there are millions of other mancats who feel the same way I do (curse them!). But hey Taylor… if you ever come to Burbank, there’s a great big furry white tummy waiting for you to rub!

And the Winners Are...

2010-10-31T13:07:00.000-07:00

Our 1st Annual Halloween Cats Photo Contest was a screeching success, but before we announce the winners, let me thank everyone who entered the contest. All the photos were wonderful, and it was very difficult to select the winners (especially when ALL cats are winners!). Our decisions were based on originality and cuteness, and even though all the photos made us smile, here are the winners that made us smile the most…

1st Place – DIVINA
2nd Place - SPIRIT
3rd Place - TUX & TWITCH
4th Place - MS. RIZZO

Con-cat-ulations to Divina, Spirit, Tux & Twitch, and Ms. Rizzo, and to their humans. And thanks to everyone for sharing their delightful Halloween Cats photos.

Back Home Again Damage Report 2010

2010-10-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

Steve and his female (my humans) just returned from their vacation in France, and although they were only gone a little over a week, it felt like a lot longer. We missed them, (we being me and my housemates Bo Diddley and Piglet), but during their absence, we spent a collective 600 hours napping, so mostly, we missed them only in our dreams. And, as usual, we were able to con our pet sitter into giving us an overabundance of kitty treats. Still, when humans leave cats home alone for extended periods, they MUST pay, and Steve and his female are no exception. Here’s the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-us damage report, and with three cats on the job, it’s massive (well, not quite as bad as the house in the photo above, but VERY extensive):

45 minutes of serious kitty scorn (we tried for an hour, but we couldn’t hold out any longer)
2 unraveled and finely-shredded rolls of toilet paper
2 “accidents” outside litter box
4 upended wastebaskets with contents batted around and scattered
Extensive chewing on the leaves of three of the female’s favorite houseplants
Houseplants used for… well, you know
Dirt from houseplants plants kicked out onto carpet
1 kacked-up hairball on coffee table, with fallout spatter on the DVD remote
1 kacked-up hairball on the kitchen floor, from top-of-the refrigerator altitude
1 Ming Dynasty vase knocked over and broken
All kitchen cupboards opened and edible contents consumed (or at least messily checked out)
Bag of flour chewed open and spread around kitchen floor
All DVR’d shows deleted and replaced with programming from Animal Planet and Comedy Central
Ultra-shredding on arm of couch
All books pushed out of the bookcase and onto the floor (except The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box)
Overwhelming smell of cat throughout the house
Cat hair on everything

And one final thing… Steve and the female said they saw two very cute chats (that’s ‘cats’ in French) in Normandy, but none in Paris. They did, however, see a lot of chiens (that’s ‘dogs’ in French) in both places… la terreur, la terreur! I’ll have more about the chats and chiens of France in an upcoming post. And now that the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-us-home-alone has been administered and the score has been settled, I admit that I'm glad my humans are home!

Home Alone... Again!

2010-10-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

From Saturday, October 16th through Monday, October 25th, Steve and his female (my humans) are going on something called a vacation to a place called France. From what I understand, a vacation is where humans go off somewhere and do as little as possible (hey, wait a minute… that sounds very much like what we cats do all the time! Does that mean that cats are always on vacation?). And France (for you geographically-challenged kitties) is a country in Europe where cats are known as chats.

Anyway, what this means to moi, is that while Steve and the female are strolling around Par-ee and having a wonderful time, I’ll be left home alone. Well, not completely alone because my housemates Bo Diddley and Piglet will be here with me, and our pet sitter will be coming over to feed us and give us doses of love and attention. Still, when the humans go away…they must pay! And as all cats know (if you read the “How to Punish Your Human When They Leave You Home Alone” chapter in The World Is STILL Your Litter Box), I’m talking about destruction. Nothing on a nuclear scale, mind you… just enough household damage to let Steve and the female know that leaving us cats alone for an extended period was a VERY bad idea. And with Bo Diddley and Pig to help me, we should be able to wreck enough havoc to teach Steve and his female a lesson they shan’t soon forget!

Meanwhile, keep those photos coming for our Halloween Cats Photo Contest. We’ve received some great ones, but we want lots more! For contest info, including the email address where your photo should be sent, click here... or scroll down a couple posts. We’ll check them out and post them on our Facebook page when the happy couple returns from their vacation.

Until then, adieu mes amis et collegues chats!

In Defense of "Crazy" Cat Ladies

2010-10-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, fellow cat, that humans are an endless source of amusement. Humans are just so much fun to manipulate, cajole and mess with, that we cats just can’t help ourselves… I know I certainly can’t. Yet, there’s one sadly abused and misunderstood group of humans that deserves some slack and possibly even a little extra kitty love. Yes, that’s right… I’m talkin’ about “crazy” cat ladies.

First, let me state that a human can never have too many cats… with two very important caveats. One is that all cats, no matter how many, be well-treated, well cared for and loved, and two, that the homestead is kept clean and doesn’t smell like… well, like cat. If you’re a human and can adhere to those simple rules, you are welcome (by my official decree) to have as many cats as you want… within reason, of course. You don’t want to take on more cats than you can comfortably accommodate and take care of properly. In other words, you don't want to become a cat hoarder.

Now secondly, I strongly object to the use of the word “crazy” to describe humans, especially women, who love their cats pretty much to the exclusion of all else. There’s nothing crazy about loving cats… in fact, if you ask me, it’s one of the major signs of sanity in humans. And, hey, if a person happens to be a little on the obsessed side about their feline companions, so what? Believe me, it’s better to be obsessed about cats than some of the other things humans get fixated on. Humans do many things that are genuinely wacky, but loving cats too much is not one of them.

So “crazy” cat ladies, if you get along with cats better than other people, so be it. If you want to be buried in cats while you sit on the couch and watch TV, more power to you! And if you can’t resist giving a good home to just one more cat in need, you are, in my estimation, an exceptional human being. Cat ladies rock!

Our 1st Annual Halloween Cats Photo Contest!

2010-10-01T09:30:00.001-07:00

To celebrate Halloween (very possibly the most fun holiday of all!), we’re running our 1st Annual Halloween Cats Photo Contest. Woo-hoo! To enter and have a chance to win some fantastic prizes, all you have to do is take a Halloween-related photo of your kitty (or kitties) and email it to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. You can dress your kitty up in a costume, or simply take a photo of them next to a pumpkin or some other Halloweenie-type thing. Be creative, but don’t harm or embarrass your kitty for the sake of the photo! Be sure to include your name, the name of the cat in the photo, and a “snail mail” address. What could be easier?

The contest will have one grand prize winner and second, third and fourth place winners, to be determined by Team Quasi (that would be me, Steve and Steve’s female). We’ll be looking for cleverness and originality, but above all, cuteness. The grand prize winner will receive signed copies of my books, The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. The second, third and fourth place winners will receive fabulous items from the newly-opened The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop. All photos will be posted in the “Halloween Cats” photo album on The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page.

The contest will close at midnight (PDT) on Friday, October 29th, and the winners will be announced on Sunday the 31st… yes, that’s right… Halloween! So, good luck everyone. We can’t wait to see your photos!

It's Too Hot for Kitties (And Humans)!

2010-09-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago, I was hanging around with my housemates, Bo Diddley and Piglet, meowing about what a cool summer we had here in Southern California and how lucky we were. And, I must admit, we were kind of gloating about the poor cats (and humans) in the rest of the country that had to endure sweltering heat for the last few months.

Well, he or she who purrs last purrs best… our long-missing heat has finally arrived, and with a vengeance. Yesterday, it hit 113 degrees in downtown Los Angeles, which is a new record. In fact, it was so hot, the thermometer they use to make official heat measurements broke, so it may have actually been even hotter! Hey, for all I know, it could have been a million and twelve degrees downtown.

As a cat, there are two things to do when it gets this hot… First, complain loudly to your human and make them feel guilty (even though it’s not really their fault). Belly aching about the heat won’t make it any cooler, but it certainly is fun to complain. And secondly (and most obviously), find a relatively cool place to nap the day away. You might feel hot and uncomfortable (and cranky), but if you sleep for 20 hours, it won’t seem so bad.

And, fellow cats who are also roasting in the heat, look at it this way… in a few months, winter will be here and then we can all complain about how cold it is!

Grand Opening! The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop

2010-09-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Attention Quasi-Mart shoppers! The official The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop is now open with a stunning array of ultra-fab goodies for cat lovers. Yes, we’ve got it all… shirts, hats, baby clothing, mugs, magnets, buttons, bumper stickers… even a “Quasi” thong for the ladies. All these fine products have Quasi and Litter Box-related designs that you won’t find anywhere else. Shop early and avoid the lines (okay, there aren’t any lines, but shop early anyway… believe me, once you see these one-of-a-kind items you won’t want to live one more minute without them!). And, needless to say, any one of these products would make an excellent gift for the cat lover in your life.

You’re probably wondering why a reclusive author such as me would want to open an on-line retail outlet. Well, there are several reasons. First of all – and I’m being blatantly honest here – these products help call attention to my books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in case you’d forgotten). Secondly, believe it or not, we’ve received a lot of requests from cat lovers for this kind of stuff. Thirdly, if we sell enough of this swag, we can make a few bucks – again being completely honest here! And lastly, this gives me an opportunity to come up with clever and catchy product descriptions… in fact, all the product info under “From the Designer” was written by yours truly.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the shop and visit often. We’ll be adding new products from time to time, and many of these items will be given away as prizes in upcoming contests on our The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page (we welcome you to become a “fan”). And one last great thing about the shop… we never close!

Quasi's Back-to-School Tips for Young Humans

2010-09-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

One thing I love about this time of year is that young humans (that’s right… children and teenagers) return to school. Our house is equidistant between a high school and an elementary school, so when school lets out in the afternoon, I like nothing more than to sit in the front window and watch the steady parade of kids go by. I especially enjoy the antics of the high schoolers (except when they throw Slurpee cups and other trash in our yard, the little oinkers!).

Needless to say, we felines already know everything, so we don’t have to go to school. Still, being the erudite professorial type that I am, I would like to impart ten important educational tips to all you kids who aren’t as lucky (or as smart) as us kitties...

Don’t be late for school (if cats can show up for their meals on time, surely you can be in class when the bell rings).
Pay attention in class and don’t give the teacher a hard time (they’re doing their best to cram information into your feeble – uh, I mean fertile – little human brains).
Don’t fall asleep in class (whoa... it’s a good thing we cats DON’T have to go to school!).
Don’t text or go on-line in class (unless you’re ordering my books from Amazon).
For God’s sake, DON’T take any weapons to school (If you have a disagreement with someone, just hiss at them or, if absolutely necessary, give them a few whappies).
Try to eat healthy food at lunchtime once in awhile (I know many kids think fruit is medicine, but hey chunko… eat an apple once in awhile!).
Don’t pick on smaller kids (that nerdy kid you’re bullying might just be the next Bill Gates).
Don’t trash the school yard (save the trashing for your own bedroom).
Do your homework (but if you should happen to slack off, don’t try and pin the blame on your cat or your hapless dog… that old ‘the dog ate my homework’ or ‘my cat shredded my assignment’ won’t cut it).
Enjoy school while you can (believe me, someday you’ll wish you could go back).

So there you go students. I hope these tips are helpful as you slog your way through the school year. Meanwhile, I’m going to go take one of my 20 daily naps. I’ll be thinking about you!

Promote Goodwill for Cats (And Help Me Sell Some Books!)

2010-09-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

In an effort to promote goodwill for cats and spread the word about how ultra-fantastic cats truly are (and to self-servingly shill my two books), I’ve come up with yet another great idea that will be mutually beneficial to all and help make the world an even better place for us felines.

If you have a blog or a website that is cat-related in a positive and loving way, be it humorous, informative or whatever, we are proposing a good old-fashioned link exchange. If you are willing to place our badge (pictured above) on your website or blog, we will be more than happy to add you as a link on the official The World Is Your Litter Box website, which gets about a jillion visits a day (well, maybe not that many, but a lot!). We’ll also add you to our blog roll, which is also seen by a multitude of cat lovers every day.

So if this sounds good to you, send info about your blog and/or website to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com ... and we’ll get you linked up right away. We’ll also send you the code for our badge. Hey, if corporations and politicians can use the web to promote themselves, we cats should have the same opportunity, right?

Steve's Female Has a Stinger (Part 2)

2010-09-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I told you that Steve’s female has somehow developed a stinger (like a bee) that she uses on me when I go after Piglet for his futile and laughable incursions on my position as the alpha male in the house. Since then, the finest scientific minds in the world (well… mine, anyway) have been trying to figure out what the dilly-o is with the female’s stinger, and I think I’ve discovered a couple clues.

First, before the female “stings” me, she opens a drawer in her desk and pulls out something that appears to be stretchy, circular, and made out of rubber or some other type of flexible material. It’s pretty small, so it’s hard to see exactly what it is. [Note from Steve: It’s a rubber band.] The female then pulls back on it, aims it at my hindquarters (which are large and hard to miss), and lets it go. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel a little ouch-producing sting, which is VERY irritating. How does the female do it? There must be some connection between the circular flexible object and the female’s stinger, but I can’t quite figure out what it is. I’ll keep working on it, though. Oh, yes.

Meanwhile, I’ve come up with a way to deal with Piglet when he challenges my alpha maleness, and that is, I simply wait until Steve and his female leave the house, then I pummel some sense into the little bugger. Naturally, Steve and the female considered the possibility that this might happen, so they made Pig a “Panic Room,” where he can run to when I go after him, the little wuss (shown in the photo above). As you can see, Pig’s “Panic Room” is not exactly the Maginot Line, so I can quite easily penetrate the defenses if I really need to. Usually, though, I just let him run in there and think about his transgressions for awhile before I let him come out. Alpha males rule!

On another note, Steve (my typist) and his female are going away for the weekend (they’ll pay for that, too), so I want to take a moment to wish everyone a happy Labor Day Weekend!

OMG! Steve's Female Has a Stinger!

2010-08-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

As all cats know, humans can be very flummoxing at times… especially female humans. Female humans come equipped with cat-like deviousness of their own, so they can be very hard to figure out. At times, even male humans have difficulty understanding what makes female humans tick, and my male human, Steve, is no exception.

Still, you can only imagine my surprise when, completely out of the blue, I found out that Steve’s female has a stinger! Yes, that’s right… a stinger. Just like a bee or a wasp.

Now, those of you who have read my latest book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, know that I now have two kitty compadres in my household, Bo Diddley and Piglet. Bo Diddley is pretty cool, but Piglet (who is a runt) makes constant affronts on my alpha maleness. I’ve written about this pretty extensively in STILL Your Litter Box, but suffice it to say that when Piglet challenges my alpha maleness, I have no choice but to straighten him out, usually with a flurry of whaps to the head. Naturally, Steve’s female is overly-protective of Piglet who, as I said, is a little guy. So when I take up paws against him, even though it’s his fault (the little rotter!), the female ALWAYS comes to his defense.

To thwart my alpha male aggressiveness toward Piglet, the female has tried a variety of tactics – yelling at me to stop (hah!), stomping her feet (nice try!), squirting me with a water bottle (oh, please!) – nothing worked. But the other day, when I was rightfully putting Piglet in his place, I felt a little sting on my right flank… ouchie! At first, I thought it might be my imagination, but when I returned to the business at hand – whapping Piglet into submission – darned if I didn’t feel another sting! Quickly putting two and two together, I came to the obvious conclusion… Steve’s female has a stinger, and she’s not afraid to use it!

[Note from Steve: Quasi doesn’t know that I’ve added this little aside to his blog post, but I don’t want anyone to think we’re hurting or abusing the big white guy… something we would NEVER do. The female’s “stinger” is actually a small rubber band that she shoots at Quasi’s hindquarters when he’s bashing Piglet. It doesn’t hurt him, but it definitely gets his attention and causes him to stop. Until he figures this out, which he ultimately will I’m sure, the “stinger” has proven to be most effective in preventing Piglet from getting ruthlessly pummeled.]

Anyway, fellow cats, I’m going to get to the bottom of this “stinger” business, and when I do, I’ll let you know what I find out. Meanwhile, keep a close eye out if you’ve got a female human in your household. Who knows? She might have a stinger too!

Two Cat Books You Should Check Out (Besides Mine!)

2010-08-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I’d give everyone a break from plugging my own books (The World Is Your Litter Box & The World Is STILL Your Litter Box… sorry, I couldn’t resist!) and let you know about two other cat books that we really like.

The first is Buckley’s Story, written by Ingrid King, who also writes the excellent blog, The Conscious Cat. Buckley’s Story is about Ingrid’s adoption of Buckley, a beautiful tortoise shell kitty who, sadly, developed heart disease and ultimately made her way to the Rainbow Bridge. The book focuses on Ingrid’s caring for Buckley through her illness and the special bond they developed, and although it’s kind of sad in places, it really is a celebration of the timeless connection between humans and kitties. Here’s the Amazon link for Buckley’s Story, which I highly recommend.

And then there’s the brand new book from my personal friend Sparkle the Designer Cat entitled Dear Sparkle: Cat-to-Cat Advice from the World’s Foremost Feline Columnist. In this her second book, Sparkle answers questions from inquiring kitties and provides sage advice for resolving all manners of kitty conundrums. And if that’s not enough, there’s even a mention of yours truly in the introduction. Here’s the Amazon link for Dear Sparkle… very funny and very informative!

Yes, fellow cats, you’ll certainly want to add these wonderful books to your library, along with The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, of course (hey, what can I tell you… I’m a hopeless hype machine!).

Reviews of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

2010-08-09T09:11:00.001-07:00

We’re starting to get some very nice reviews of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box from highly intelligent and erudite reviewers who clearly recognize fine literature when they see it. For example, in the Tampa Bay Tribune, Kristen Levine of Fetching Communications writes, “There are plenty of laughs in these pages, and loads of cattitude.” Sandy Amazeen on Monsters & Critics says, “Animal lovers are sure to laugh aloud at Quasi’s bright antics while recognizing aspects of their own feline companions.” On the Conscious Cat blog, Ingrid King, the author of Buckley’s Story, calls The World Is STILL Your Litter Box “a thoroughly delightful book for all cat lovers.” Sandy Robins, the Cat Fancy columnist, says “If you enjoyed Quasi’s first foray into the literary litter box, he has a lot more to say in the sequel.” And in the Burbank Leader (my hometown newspaper), Lyda Truick writes, “Quasi fills many chapters with anecdotal tactics for being the best cat possible.”

Yes, it’s truly wonderful to bask in praise from the literary world, but like all spoiled, insecure artists, I want MORE MORE MORE! If you would like to share your thoughts about The World Is Your Litter Box and/or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (and stroke my fragile ego), send them to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. We’ll post your comments on the “Reviews” page of the Litter Box website for all the world to see. And if you’re feeling really ambitious, you can write a review of either or both books on Amazon (and seriously, we need all the reviews we can get!). To write a review, simply go Amazon and access the pages for the books. Click on “Customer Reviews,” which you’ll find under the title, then click on “Create Your Own Review.” Your thoughts and opinions are very important to us… especially if they’re complimentary and nice!

To read all the reviews of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, go to the “Reviews” page of the Litter Box website.

Cats & Vampires

2010-08-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

These days, everyone seems to be going gaga over vampires. You’ve got the Twilight books and movies, which are phenomenally popular, and of course, there’s the HBO show True Blood, which Steve and his female never miss (actually, I watch it with them from my usual perch on the back of the couch behind their heads and I thoroughly enjoy it my own darn self).

But quite frankly, I don’t see why humans get so excited about vampires when they have us cats… and there are many, many similarities between cats and vampires. We both have evil-looking fangs, and we both can be very scary when we want to be (check out the kitty in the photo). We both can administer a fearsome bite and be extremely dangerous. We both like to prowl around at night and sleep during the day. We both have excellent night vision. And we both can get humans to do pretty much whatever we want.

And yet, while there are similarities, we cats have have a startling number of advantages over vampires. Here are some of them:

Cats are MUCH, MUCH cuter than vampires
Cats won’t drink your blood (we may scratch you and draw blood, but that’s as far as we go)
Vampires will not sit on your lap while you read or watch TV
Cats are impervious to garlic (a huge advantage for Italian families that like to cook)
Cats will let you pick them up and cuddle them (try THAT with a vampire!)
Vampires won’t let you rub their tummy like we cats will (well…for a couple seconds until we grab your arm anyway)
Cats like exciting music such as rockabilly and emo, whereas vampires would rather listen to boring dirges from medieval times
Cats will (grudgingly) let you dress them up in ridiculous clothing (don’t even THINK about trying THAT with a vampire!)
Cats are photogenic… vampires, when their fangs are down, are pretty ugly
Vampires DO NOT purr

So the next time your human starts gushing about how amazing vampires are, turn on the charm and let them know that cats make much better pets. After all, we have many vampire-like attributes with none of the disadvantages, the primary one being that a vampire might drink a human's blood and kill them, whereas we kitties… well, as long as our humans continue to love us and do our bidding would never do such a thing!

Summer Reading & Safety Tips for Cats

2010-07-27T09:50:00.001-07:00

With the “dog” days of summer fast approaching, you’re probably looking for a couple good books to read while you’re lounging by the pool or tanning up on the beach like the kitty in the photo. Might I humbly suggest The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box? They’re light and funny so they won’t depress you like all those books about the horrible state of the world, they’re chic and ultra-hip so you can impress your friends with your excellent taste in literature, and they’re very lightweight so you won’t strain yourself carrying them to your favorite reading spot. What could be better?

And while I’m at it, here are a few summer safety tips for my kitty compadres. First, be sure to use PLENTY of sun block if you plan on lounging about (or napping) in the out-of-doors… you don’t want those deadly gamma rays to singe your fur or burn your tender skin. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids so you stay hydrated… in fact, why not ask your human to add some refreshing ice cubes to your drinking water? DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT mess around with dogs that are lying in the sun… the heat makes them extra grouchy and just because they look wasted with their tongues lolling out doesn’t mean they won’t get up and chase you. And lastly, if you go for a refreshing dip in the pool and engage in some entertaining underwater hijinx, don’t forget to come up for air.

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Quasi's Idea for Winning the Fight in Afghanistan

2010-07-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Like pretty much all Americans, cats, humans and otherwise, I would like to see the conflict in Afghanistan brought to a swift conclusion, and for our troops to come home safe and sound. To such an effect, I’ve come up with an idea that I think will help win the fight quickly and decisively. In fact, it’s such a great idea, I can’t believe some other cat didn’t think of it before.

As everyone knows, we cats are finely-tuned fighting machines, and perhaps the most fearsome tools in our arsenal are our ultra-mighty back legs. Science has proven that the force generated by a cat’s bunny-kicking back legs, pound for pound, is more powerful than an exploding supernova or a combination of five neutron bombs. Actually I just made that up, but still… no cat (or human) who’s been on the receiving end of the rear-legged defense can deny the sheer, unmitigated destructive force. When our back legs get to pumpin’ with claws fully extended… look out!

So here’s my idea… we’re using drones in Afghanistan, right? Well, why not simply equip those drones with mechanical back cat legs? Then, the drones could fly low over the enemy, but instead of dropping bombs, the back kitty legs could be activated and the Taliban (or whoever) could be pummeled and scratched into submission. Hey, it may sound crazy, but they laughed at the Wright Brothers and Bill Gates too.

As a good American kitty, I would certainly be willing to allow my back legs to be used as a design prototype, and I’m sure other patriotic felines would be more than happy to make the same offer. So how about it, Department of Defense? Let’s quit “pussy footing” around over there and win this thing with the awesome, formidable firepower of a cat’s back legs.

eBook Versions of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

2010-07-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, the ultra-hilarious sequel to The World Is Your Litter Box, is now available as an eBook in a variety of formats for all types of devices and computers. Just think… you can read my new book wherever you might be – on the subway, in an airplane, at your place of work instead of actually doing your job – the possibilities are infinite! And you can download the book and begin reading it in seconds… talk about instant gratification!

For your shopping and downloading convenience, here are four handy links:

For the Amazon Kindle edition, click here.
For the Sony eReader edition, click here.
For the Barnes & Noble Nook edition, click here.
For the iUniverse edition, click here.

The Nook edition may also be used to read The World Is STILL Your Litter Box on an iPad, iPhone, Blackberry, PC or Mac. The iUniverse edition may be read on a PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone or Blackberry.

Unfortunately, my first book, The World Is Your Litter Box, is not yet available as an eBook… hopefully, it will be in the not-too-distant future. Meanwhile, you’ll just have to read it the old-fashioned way. In other words, you’ll have to physically hold the book and turn the pages by hand. Some of you may not be familiar with this primitive means of reading, but once you get the hang of it, it’s really not so bad.

Quasi's Cool Cat iMix (2010)

2010-07-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

Summer’s here and the time is right for dancing in the streets, as Martha & The Vandellas so eloquently sang back in the day… so, your friend Quasi has created the ultimate i-Mix for all you cool cats and kittens to enjoy at work and at play. Along with classics such as “Stray Cat Strut” and “Year of the Cat,” you’ll find some real gems including “Litter Box Boogie,” “Leave My Kitten Alone,” “Do the Hairball,” and “When Kitty Eyes Are Smiling.” Plus, this is probably the only playlist in history where “The Siamese Cat Song” segues into the Rolling Stones’ “Stray Cat Blues.” How hip is that?

Here’s the complete playlist:

Put Your Cat Clothes On - Carl Perkins
What’s New Pussycat - Tom Jones
Litter Box Boogie - Laurel Canyon Animal Company
Black Cat - Janet Jackson
Stray Cat Strut - The Stray Cats
Leave My Kitten Alone - Little Willie John
Do the Hairball - The Mopes
The Siamese Cat Song - Peggy Lee with Si & Am
Stray Cat Blues - The Rolling Stones
Alley Cat - Bent Fabric
I Love My Cat’s Meow - Donnie Barren
Three Cool Cats - The Coasters
Pink Pussycat - Devo
The Kitty Cat Song - Lee Dorsey
Hairball or Puke - Budda-Bang
Cat Man - Gene Vincent
Carol of the Meows - Guster
This Cat’s On a Hot Tin Roof - The Brian Setzer Orchestra
Year of the Cat - Al Stewart
When Kitty Eyes Are Smiling - Marc Gunn

And here's the link...

Quasi's Cool Cat iMix (2010)

Proving, unequivocally and without question, that CATS ROCK!

Happy 4th of July!

2010-07-03T09:14:00.001-07:00

OMG, the 4th of July is upon us! Time, once again, for American humans to celebrate the founding of the country and go REALLY crazy with fireworks, BBQs and oceans of beer. Yes, on the 4th, the good ‘ole US of A will be 234 years old (or, approximately 1638 in cat years). Let the festivities begin!

To honor American and its founding fathers, especially those among them who were cat lovers, I thought I’d share my personal take on the holiday from a kitty’s perspective. Here’s an excerpt from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of my first book, The World Is Your Litter Box….

“4th of July: The birthday of America with lots of patriotic razzle-dazzle, but not a good holiday for cats. Most Americans celebrate the 4th with backyard barbeques that fill the air with noxious, cloying smoke (Fools! Do they think global warming is a myth?) Then when it gets dark, after gorging themselves and drinking copious amounts of beer, they go and watch explosions in the sky. While some of these explosions are quite pretty (and quite psychedelic if you’ve been sniffing catnip), they are loud and VERY SCARY. Apart from seeing homes festooned with American flags and hearing off-key versions of the Star Spangled Banner played by horrible high school bands, and the possibility of eating leftover BBQ, there is not much for a cat to look forward to on the 4th of July except the return of sanity on the 5th. Also, the 4th of July is a time you outdoor cats should stay inside. Believe it or not, some twisted humans will actually go out of their way to torment cats with fireworks. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

Here’s wishing everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a safe, happy and fun-filled 4th of July! And fellow cats, don’t worry… those dreaded boom-booms in the sky will only last 15-20 minutes or so. Still, just before the mayhem begins, you might want to find a safe place to hide, like under the bed or in a closet, where the boom-booms can’t get to you.

Lion Cuts

2010-06-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

Now that summer has arrived and things are warming up here in good ‘ole Burbank, my two longhaired housemates, Bo Diddley and Piglet, have gotten their annual lion cuts. As you can see by the photos (Pig on top, B.D. on the bottom), they look very cute… however, just because they look like little lions doesn’t mean they can strut around and act like BIG lions.

Especially Piglet.

Yes, that’s right… the smallest member of the pride, who challenges my alpha maleness on a daily basis anyway, now thinks that he has somehow acquired mystical lion powers, and that he is suddenly the king of the jungle around here. Wrong again, Bucko. As all my fellow alpha males know, there can be only one lion king in each household, and in our household, that lion king is ME! And when challenged, even by a little lion, I have to administer a flurry of whaps, hisses and moans to restore order.

So if you’re an alpha like me and you find yourself confronted by an interloper like Piglet (whether they have a lion cut or not), simply pull out your copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box and refer to the chapter, “How to Live with Multiple Cats & Alpha Males” (I couldn’t resist yet one more shameless plug for my book!). You’ll find all kinds of tips and advice for dealing with pretenders to your throne of alpha maleness.

Still, I must admit, Bo Diddley and Piglet DO look rather ferocious (in an adorable kind of way). In fact, seeing them with their lion cuts almost makes me wish that I was a longhaired cat so I could get one too.

The Bionic Kitty

2010-06-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

Here’s yet another kitty-in-trouble story (why do we do it to ourselves?) that fortunately seems to have turned out alright, and is, in fact, pretty amazing.

Last October, on a farm in the British Channel Islands, a two-and-half-year-old cat named Oscar was having a little kip (that’s “nap” for you non-British kitties) in a sunny spot that just happened to be in the path of a combine harvester… I know, it sounds bad already. Poor little Oscar was run over and the lower portions of his hind legs were severely damaged. The local vet, where Oscar was taken, referred Oscar’s family to Dr. Noel Fitzpatrick, a neuro-orthopedic surgeon. Working in conjunction with two biomedical engineering experts, Dr. Fitzpatrick fashioned metal bionic prosthetic legs, which were fastened to the remaining portions of Oscar’s back legs by means of implanted pegs, and viola… Oscar can now run and jump pretty much like a normal kitty. Cor blimey! (that’s “Holy s--t!” for you non-British kitties). And as Winston Churchill might have said, this is Oscar’s “finest hour.” That’s Oscar in the photo with his new bionic back legs.

Being a cat, Oscar is fairly nonplussed by all the attention. Still, being the world’s first bionic kitty is pretty special. Can a TV show be far behind? In the 1970s, we had The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman, so why not The Bionic Cat? Hey, I’d certainly watch it.

Buy 'Em Both Together!

2010-06-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

Just in time for your summer reading pleasure, Amazon is offering a couple ways to save money on purchases of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box.

If you already bought The World Is Your Litter Box, but don’t yet have The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, you can now save 10% off the cover price of the sequel (that’s a jaw-dropping savings of $1.20!). If you don’t yet have either book, you can purchase them together for the incredibly low price of $20.70. Astounding bargains like this don’t come along every day, especially when we’re talking classic (and extremely funny) cat literature. In fact, to put everything in proper perspective, here are several good reasons why you should buy both books together…

When you finish the first book, you can start the second one immediately (Yes, that’s right… instant gratification!)
You’ll get twice as many laughs.
Shipping both books together requires less fossil fuel and helps the environment.
Both books together are cheaper than the complete works of Shakespeare (and WAY easier to understand).
The two covers complement each other and will look nice on your coffee table.
Double is ALWAYS better (think double cheeseburgers or two scoops of ice cream).
You’ll be the envy of all your cat-loving friends.
Your cat(s) will acquire twice as much wisdom from yours truly.
I’ll earn twice as many royalties (Hey, might as well be honest here!).
Your cat(s) will be doubly thankful and doubly nice to you (for a few minutes, anyway).

No serious cat lover should be without The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, so order now! For more info on both books, and a link to Amazon, visit the official The World Is Your Litter Box website.

Write a Book Review of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

2010-06-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read a convoluted book review by some snobby self-absorbed intellectual and thought to yourself, “I could write a better review than THAT!” Well, fellow cats (and cat lovers), here’s your chance. If you bought The World Is STILL Your Litter Box from Amazon.com, you’re entitled to write a review and tell everyone on Earth what you think of the book. Start by going to Amazon’s page for The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Click on “customer reviews,” which is right under the title info. This will take you to the “Reviews,” page, where you can click on “Create Your Own Review” and have at it. Needless to say, it would be most helpful if you said something nice, but all constructive comments would be welcome… hey, I can take the heat! We’ll also add your review to the “Reviews” page on the Litter Box website.

And while I’m shamelessly plugging The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, let me remind you that the book makes a perfect Father’s Day gift for the cat-loving dad in your life. Let’s face it… what father wouldn’t rather get a cat book than socks, a tie, or some type of power tool?

How Kittens Are Made

2010-06-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Throughout the history of cinema, certain films have come along and made such an impact that they elevated the art form to new plateaus and pointed the motion picture industry in an entirely new direction… films such as Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, The Bicycle Thief, Star Wars, The Godfather, and anything with Jennifer Aniston to name but a few.

Now, another rubicon in the history of filmmaking has been crossed. Yes, movie aficionados, for your viewing pleasure, I have channeled Orson Welles and directed my first film, “How Kittens Are Made,” a groundbreaking two-minute slice of cinema vérité featuring my friend and protégée, Andy. Here are some of the early reactions from film buffs around the world…

“OMG… what a mancat!”
“Mon Dieu… le chat du amour!”
“Made my pulse race!“
“LOL funny!”
“Get that cat a hooker!”

Now, a brief word of warning… “How Kittens Are Made” is a bit on the risqué side, so if you’re easily offended by humor that might be considered by some to be racy and slightly twisted, don’t watch it. However, if you think you can stand it, here’s the link…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUGQqN87LNI

Enjoy!

Why My Book Promos Are Less Annoying Than Political Ads

2010-06-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

One thing about being a writer these days is that unless you’re really, really famous (or a nauseating celebrity with a tawdry lifestyle), most publishers will do very little to promote your books. What this means is that many authors, like me for example, have to shoulder the majority of the PR load and get the word out any way we can.

Now, I acknowledge that sometimes, my incessant hyping of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (notice how I cleverly slipped the names in there!) can get a little irksome. But consider this… when compared to political ads, repeated references to my books are like a breath of fresh air. In fact, to illustrate the point, here are ten good reasons why promos for my books are far less annoying than political ads:

My book promos…

1. Are not on TV every five minutes
2. Do not include nonsensical B.S. from candidates
3. Do not ruthlessly batter opponents (in my case, other cat books)
4. Do not include phrases like “Commie” and “Right-Wing Nut Job”
5. Are not full of untruths (that’s a polite way of saying “lies”)
6. Do not single out ethic groups for subtle-but-slimy attacks
7. Do not include frenzied cheers such as “Lit-Ter-Box, Lit-Ter-Box”
8. Do not state that I will solve ALL problems without raising taxes
9. Are amusing and entertaining (I think so, anyway)
10. Are not self-serving (Well, okay, they are… but in a good way!)

So the next time you see one of my promos for The World Is Your Litter Box or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (yes, once again I’ve slipped the names in, ha-ha!) and think to yourself, “Will Quasi NEVER go away?” just be glad that I’m not a politician running for office. Or, you could simply succumb to the hype and buy the books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in case you forgot!).

Don't Go In There!

2010-06-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Here’s another kitty-in-trouble story that fortunately (and amazingly) has a happy ending.

Last week, in a suburb of Sydney, Australia, a four-month old Persian kitten named Kimba climbed into a front loading washing machine and curled up on the clothes. (I know… this sounds bad already). Another member of the family, who didn’t know that Kimba was in the washing machine, closed the door and started a full wash cycle, which included a high-level spin.

Anyway, when Kimba’s human went to pull the clothes out of the washing machine, they found Kimba, who “looked like a drowned rat,” but was miraculously alive. Kimba was rushed to the vet, where she was treated for shock and hypothermia (the wash cycle was set for "cold"). She also received treatment for her eyes, which were irritated by the detergent. Luckily, however, Kimba is expected to make a full recovery. Whew!

The moral of this story, and this is directed primarily toward humans who have a kitten in the house, is to BE VERY CAREFUL when doing laundry, and MAKE SURE no cats are in the washer or the dryer before you shut the door and start the machine. Need I say more?

The one good thing that came out of this misadventure for Kimba is that she is now so clean, she won’t have to wash herself again until she’s at least one year old. Still, all you other cats and kittens out there, I would highly advise you to use your sandpaper tongue for cleaning and leave the washers and dryers to humans.

Memorial Day 2010

2010-05-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

On this Memorial Day weekend, amid all the shopping and BBQs and general mayhem, let’s all take a few moments to remember the humans who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect and defend the way of life we hold so dear. I wish there were no wars, but I give wholehearted thanks to the men and women who fought and died in them on our behalf.

And while we’re at it, let’s use this opportunity to remember all the wonderful kitties that graced us with their presence and have now gone to the Rainbow Bridge. Thank you for all the years of joy you gave us, and thank you for enriching our lives with your unconditional love. We’ll never forget you.

And lastly, Memorial Day weekend falls right in the middle of kitten season, so if you have room in your home, why not think about adopting a member of the next generation of cats. These new-to-the-world kittens are ready and waiting to warm our hearts with boundless joy, and by doing so, will become the beloved cats we’ll cherish and remember on Memorial Day weekends in the distant future. After all, isn’t that what Memorial Day is all about?

Say Hello to My Little Friends

2010-05-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, the newly-released sequel to The World Is Your Litter Box, marks the literary debut of my two housemates and kitty compadres, Bo Diddley and Piglet. Both cats, who are brothers, were adopted from a pet rescue organization shortly after the ill-advised-but-hilarious “Babysitting Guest Kittens” episode described in the new book. At first, I was more than a little perturbed by their presence, but I quickly came to realize that living in a multiple cat household has certain distinct advantages when dealing with the humans (as you will also see in the new book). That's Pig in the top photo, and B.D. , with his personal copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, in the bottom photo.

Bo Diddley, or B.D. for short, is a plus-size cat like me, and is a gentle, loving soul with nary a mean bone in his body. B.D. loves nothing more than to sit in Steve’s lap, receive petting, and purr at 120 decibels. Somewhere, there’s a kitty that was born at exactly the same time as B.D. who is not as sweet as he should have been because B.D. got an extra dose of sweetness. Piglet, or Pig as we call him, was clearly the runt of the litter and is a little wanting in the grooming department (hence his nickname, Pig). Pig is a scrappy little guy – sort of like James Cagney might have been if James Cagney had been a cat – and as such, he makes frequent (and futile) challenges to my alpha maleness. Although this forces me to take up paws against him, I can’t help but like the little guy and admire his spunk.

Anyway, you’ll find out much more about B.D., Pig, and our collective antics in The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for our first communal nap of the day.

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box - Now Available!

2010-05-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

The wait is over! My new book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, is finally available for purchase from all the major on-line booksellers, including Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also ask your favorite bookstore to order a copy for you if they don’t have it on the shelf. The book is available in both softcover and eBook formats.

If you’re one of the millions – well, okay, thousands – of cats and cat lovers who enjoyed The World Is Your Litter Box, then you’re in for a real treat with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Like its predecessor, the new book is loaded with wit and wisdom from yours truly to help make a cat’s life even more pleasant, enjoyable and entertaining than it already is. Yes, with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, I’ve held nothing back and pushed the envelope of cat humor to unheard of new extremes. In other words, get ready to laugh your tail off!

In conjunction with the release of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, we’ve revamped the official The World Is Your Litter Box website to include information about the new book, excerpts, and lots of other fun cat stuff. Drop by and check it out. We’ve also created an official fan page on Facebook, and of course, you can follow my daily musings on Twitter.

Anyway, fellow cat, I hope you enjoy reading The World Is STILL Your Litter Box as much as I enjoyed writing it and Steve (my human) enjoyed typing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll celebrate the release of my second book by taking a long, well-deserved nap.

The Oil Spill and How You Can Help

2010-05-06T08:00:00.001-07:00

The devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which occurred as the result of an oil rig explosion late last month, has already caused untold ecological damage and is threatening to become an even greater disaster. As of this writing, crude oil continues to pour into the Gulf unabated, and at an alarming rate.

In an effort to contain the leak, humans have towed a four-story concrete-and-steel box out to the location where the oil rig used to be. This giant contraption is to be lowered down to the seabed, where it will hopefully cover the leaking pipe. At that point, in theory, the leaking oil can be pumped up to a tanker. I’m not really sure of all the fine points as to how this is supposed to resolve the situation, but let’s hope it works.

Meanwhile, here’s a way for all us creatures with fur and/or hair to help out. Actually, I read about this on The Cat’s Meow blog yesterday and it’s a great idea. It seems that fur and human hair can be used to make booms that absorb oil, and there’s an environmental organization, Excess Access, that has all this figured out. Right now, they’re collecting excess fur, hair and nylons that can be used to make booms and help contain the oil spill. So during this shedding season, you can put your excess fur to good use (instead of ingesting it and kacking it back up).

For more information, please visit the Excess Access website. Hey, every little bit helps!

Animal Cruelty and the Supreme Court

2010-04-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

As you know, I normally try to keep my posts fairly light and humorous, but there’s nothing light or humorous about this: last Tuesday, by a vote of 8-1, the United States Supreme Court determined that videos depicting cruelty to animals, including heinous and despicable “crush videos,” merit free speech protection under the First Amendment of the Constitution.

As a cat, I feel sick to my stomach, nor only for members of my own species, but for all animals that might be subject to cruelty merely to satisfy human pleasures. .. or for any other reason. Have humans completely lost their hearts as well as their minds?

I completely understand the need to protect free speech, but where do humans draw the line? Does this mean its okay to yell “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater or make violent threats against someone? If not, then why should sickos be allowed to make videos that show kittens and other small animals being crushed by hollow-headed bimbos in high heels?

Since its apparently okay to say or do just about anything, I’m going to express my right to free speech and state that anyone involved in making videos where animals are hurt, tortured or killed should bear the full karmic weight of their actions. And to the young women who participate in on-camera cruelty to animals, I hope the frightened faces and anguished sounds of these poor, defenseless creatures haunt you to your dying day.

Sorry to be so intense about all this, but cruelty to animals should not be tolerated by anyone for any reason.

Update: The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

2010-04-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, my long-awaited follow-up to The World Is Your Litter Box, has entered the production phase. In other words, barring any unexpected human foibles, the book is on schedule for release toward the end of May. VERY exciting! The new book contains the same edgy, meow-out-loud humor that has made The World Is Your Litter Box a cat cult classic. Here are just some of the chapters:

How to Tell If Your Human Is a True Cat Nut
How to Live with Multiple Cats & Alpha Males
Ways to Annoy Your Human Just for Fun
What to Do If Your Human Puts You On a Diet
Things to Do (And Not to Do) When You're Buzzed On Catnip
How to Make Sure Your Human Keeps Your Litter Box Clean
Flummoxing Enigmas for Cats

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will be available in both softcover and ebook formats. And if I may say so myself, it's just as funny (if not funnier) than its predecessor. Get ready to laugh your hind end off!

Daylight Savings Time

2010-03-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

Well, fellow cats, spring is almost here, and with it comes daylight savings time. Yes, that’s right… it’s that oh-so-discombobulating time of year when humans set their clocks forward one hour to make the sunny part of the day longer. How setting clocks forward one hour affects the astral relationship between the sun and the Earth is beyond me, but I’ll leave that one for greater minds to figure out. All I know is, setting clocks back and forth is VERY confusing and messes everything (and everyone) up.

But, there’s a silver lining to all this! The advent of daylight savings time allows me to present an advance excerpt from my forthcoming book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, which will be out toward the end of May. Here’s the “Daylight Savings Section” of the chapter entitled “Confusing Enigmas for Cats.”

Daylight Savings Time: Here’s one that even humans find to be a cause of consternation and falls into the category of “Why do they do it to themselves?” In order to save energy or whatever, humans have come up with something called daylight savings time, which requires them to set their clocks forward one hour in the spring and one hour back in the fall. This is especially inconvenient in the modern age, when most households have at least 86 devices with digital clocks that are highly complicated to reset. Anyway, in the spring, as a result of this ill-conceived idea, 7:00 a.m. becomes 8:00 a.m., and in the fall, 7:00 a.m. becomes 6:00 a.m. I know, it’s TOTALLY confusing. It bollixes up natural sleep patterns, and for the two or three days it takes to adjust to the time change, everyone is inordinately cranky (me included). Unfortunately for humans, our internal kitty clocks are not quite so easily resettable. Therefore, in the spring, we wake our humans one hour later, and in the fall, we wake them one hour earlier. Hey, if humans wouldn’t monkey around with the natural order of things, none of this would happen, so they have only themselves to blame.

Anyway, fellow cats, don’t forget to remind your human to set their clocks forward one hour this Sunday. And think of the joy you’ll have waking them up at your normal time, which will, in fact, be one hour earlier. Oh how I love human foibles!

More Info About The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

2010-03-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

The manuscript for The World Is STILL Your Litter Box is finally complete. Whew! Writing a book is VERY hard work, especially for a busy cat like myself who has a myriad of other important kitty responsibilities (such as cleaning myself, patrolling the yard and looking cute).

Fortunately for me, my human, Steve, is handling the whole process of getting the book ready for publication, etc. In fact, last week, he met with Ward Schumaker, the artist who did the cover for The World Is Your Litter Box about doing the cover for the new book. Ward is a very well-known and talented artist, so we're happy to have him on board and we can't wait to see what he comes up with.

Meanwhile, not to toot my own horn (beep beep), but I must say I've outdone myself with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. And fellow cat, like the first book, it's loaded with information to help make your life even more pleasant and enjoyable than it already is. And of course, it's disguised as a cute cat book so your human will buy it, little realizing that it is you who will actually reap the benefits.

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will be available in May 2010. I'll provide updated information for you as it arises.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

2010-02-13T10:26:00.000-08:00

Along with my human, Steve, I want to wish all my kitty and human friends a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with lots of love. And for your amusement and reading pleasure, here's the 'Valentine's Day" section of the "Holiday Fun (and Danger)" chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box. Enjoy...

Valentine’s Day: A good holiday for cats. Love is in the air and typically, male humans give female humans gifts such as candy and flowers. This means you will have wrapping paper and ribbons to play with and flowers to sniff (and eat). If your human gets a box of candy and leaves the top off, you can have the sumptuous pleasure of licking and sampling each individual piece. Because humans tend to get all mushy and gooey on Valentine’s day, you can usually expect to receive a little extra lovin’ yourself, and maybe even a present. Steve and his female are such shameless cat lovers that they always buys me a Valentine present, usually a cat toy, catnip, or the most expensive kind of kitty food. Ain’t love grand!

CAT GODDESS TEMPLE FOUND

2010-01-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

As every feline lover knows, cats were worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt (as they should be everywhere and at all times). Still, some uninformed humans question whether cat worship in Egypt was truly a reality. Well, Mr. and Ms. Doubting Thomas, this bit of news should put your skepticism to rest…

A few days ago, in the city of Alexandria, archeologists unearthed the ruins of a 2000-year-old temple that appears to have been dedicated to the Egyptian cat goddess, Bastet. Several statues of Bastet (pictured in the photo above) were found in the temple, which is believed to have belonged to Queen Berenice, the wife of King Ptolemy III and obviously a supreme cat lover. Several cans of mummified Mixed Grill and Kitty Stew were also found (ha-ha, not really… I just made that part up!).

With their god-like status, I wonder if cats back then were subject to discipline for acts of unacceptable kitty behavior. If so, it must have gone something like, “Pardon me, your Highness, but if it pleases you, would you deign to stop scratching up the arm of my divan.” Yes, those cats in ancient Egypt must have had it pretty good.

HELP FOR PEOPLE (AND ANIMALS) IN HAITI

2010-01-13T12:37:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday, as I’m sure everyone knows, Haiti was struck by a devastating earthquake that toppled buildings, killed thousands of people, and left thousands more homeless. In terms of rescue and recovery, this disaster is especially dire because Haiti is a very poor country with few resources of its own.

I call on all my fellow cats to convince their humans to help the people (and animals) in Haiti by making a $10 donation to the International Red Cross. Simply text “Haiti” to the number 90999, and the donation will be charged to your phone bill. Steve and his female just made their donations, so I know it’s very easy to do.

I realize things are very tight with the economy being the way it is, but Haiti desperately needs our help… so if you can afford to make a donation, please do it right away.

COLD WEATHER

2010-01-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

As we start the new year and the new decade, many parts of the United States are buried under snow and experiencing extremely cold weather. Not to rub it in for you cats who live in these places, but here in Southern California, it’s been sunny and in the low 70s all week. (Please don’t hate me because I’m warm!).

Anyway, as a cat who has never lived in a frigid place, and who has never even seen snow for that matter, I have some questions about the cold that perhaps some of my cooler-climate kitty friends in the blogosphere can answer…

Does snow tickle when it falls on your nose?
How does snow feel when you step in it?
How do you drink frozen water?
Does it hurt to breathe when the air is so cold?
Can you still climb trees when they have snow on them?
How do you form snowballs with no opposable thumbs?
Can your human still get to the store to buy your food?
Does your tongue stick to your fur when you lick yourself?
Can you swim in snow?
Where is all this snow going to go when it finally melts?

Here’s hoping all cats in cold climates have a nice fireplace to sleep in front of during the day and warm humans to cuddle up with at night.

QUASI'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

2009-12-29T08:51:00.000-08:00

Around this time each year, many humans make what are known as New Year’s resolutions. From what I can gather, these resolutions are changes humans plan to make in the new year, such as breaking a bad habit or starting a new project of some kind.

Although New Year’s resolutions are made with the best intentions, I’m aware that most humans break them, usually before the new year is more than one or two weeks old. With that in mind, here are my New Year’s resolutions for 2010…

Stop begging for food while Steve and the female are eating
Stop shredding the arm of the couch
Stop leaving my cat toys scattered around the house
Stop grabbing Steve’s arm when he gives me a tummy rub
Stop smoking (just kidding!)
Stop climbing up screen doors
Stop singing operatic arias when Steve and the female are sleeping
Stop abusing catnip
Stop going up on the roof and pretending I can’t get down
Stop coughing up hairballs on the TV remote

And like humans who make New Year’s resolutions, I vow to be VERY diligent in adhering to each one of these pledges (and if you believe that, I have some acreage on the moon I’d like to sell you). Meanwhile, I wish all creatures, cats, humans and otherwise, a happy new year and all the best in 2010!

HERE COMES SANTA.....

2009-12-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

Well, we’re into the final week before the arrival of Santa Claus (or, more appropriately for us cats, Santa Claws), which means that if you haven’t done your Christmas shopping yet, you better get on it tout suite! Meanwhile, for your holiday pleasure and amusement, here’s the “Christmas” section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box….

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other gigantic big screen TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake. And, of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.

Along with Steve and his female, I wish all creatures, (cats and otherwise), a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

QUASI'S "I WANT" CHRISTMAS LIST

2009-12-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

Well, fellow cats, once again it’s that self-indulgent time of the year when I make out my list of what I want for Christmas. I’ve been a good cat this year (well… pretty good), so I hope Santa will come through big time.

Here’s my “I want” list for Christmas 2009:

A new litter box (with a uniformed washroom attendant to keep it clean)
One of those retro Felix the Cat clocks
A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine
An iPhone with Hello Kitty ringtones (Steve got one and its tres cool!)
Enough catnip to keep me buzzed for a year
A Taylor Swift CD (Yes, I still have a crush on her!)
Opposable thumbs
A generous gift certificate to Petco
Socks and ties (just kidding!)
A nice new cardboard box to explore and sleep in
A new scratching post (that I can ignore while heading for the arm of the couch)
Some intellectually-challenging cat toys
The World Is Your Litter Box (hey, you just knew I had to sneak it in!)
World Peace
Food, food and MORE FOOD

NEW iPHONES FOR CHRISTMAS

2009-12-01T09:40:00.001-08:00

This year, as a means of reducing their carbon footprint (and primarily because they’re cheap and lazy), Steve and his female have decided to forego the mind-numbing process of buying a multitude of Christmas presents for each other and instead, get new iPhones.

So over the weekend, while they went on the Apple website and watched videos about the iPhone and how to use it, I sat on the corner of the desk and tried to pick up a little info my own bad self. Now, I must admit, the iPhone seems to be very cool, but it also looks VERY confusing! Since Steve and the female are typically flummoxed by new technology, it will be lots of fun to watch them go completely bonkers as they try and figure out how to use these gadgets. Should be highly entertaining!

Because I secretly use Steve’s cell phone when he’s not around, I’m glad to see that the iPhone has a large keyboard, which will make texting much easier for me. After all, with no opposable thumbs, it’s pretty hard for us cats to text on a small keyboard. When Steve and the female get their iPhones, I should have no trouble mashing down on the keys when texting my kitty pals and telling them to meet me at the mall… or whatever.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes when Steve and the female get their new iPhones, which should be within a week or so. I can’t wait!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2009-11-21T09:02:00.000-08:00

Yes, once again it’s Thanksgiving week… that wonderful time of year when we all stop and give thanks for all the wonderful blessings we have. Yes, even in these difficult economic times, most of us have much to be thankful for. But still, let’s not forget those who don’t have as much as we do and hope that their lives improve for the better. And let’s also remember those who have given so much over the years so that we can continue to have the lifestyle we so enjoy today.

Now right about here, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, Quasi, those are very nice Thanksgiving sentiments and all that, but what does Thanksgiving hold in store for us cats?” Well, for your edification and enjoyment, here’s the Thanksgiving section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…

Thanksgiving: A good holiday for cats, even if it’s not so good for turkeys. At Thanksgiving, human families get together to gorge themselves and good feeling is in the air (as are an abundance of good cooking smells!) In most households with male and female humans, the male usually spends the day watching football on TV while the female toils in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to providing engrossing tension and lively, entertaining arguments, this situation will afford you a good lap to sleep in, unless your male human becomes over-exuberant and spills beer on you, and plenty of interesting activity in the kitchen. Once the table is set, you might want to jump up there and make sure all the silverware, plates, and glasses are properly arranged. And when dinner is finally served, be sure to go from person to person looking as cute (and hungry) as possible. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving turkey. Yum! Then, when dinner is over and everyone is sated beyond the point of decency, including you, you can go into the bedroom and have a nice snooze on everyone’s coats, just like on New Years Eve and other holidays during cold seasons. Yes, there is much to be thankful for.

Along with Steve and Judy (my humans), I want to wish everyone - cat, human and otherwise - a very safe and happy Thanksgiving!

CAT CRUSH ON TAYLOR SWIFT

2009-11-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

A couple nights ago, from my usual spot on the back of the couch behind Steve and his female, I watched Saturday Night Live, which was hosted by Taylor Swift, the very talented (and very cute) singer. About halfway through the show, I came to a startling realization, and that is… I have a BIG CAT CRUSH on Taylor Swift.

Now I know this is just a crazy fantasy and that nothing will ever come of it, but I find myself dreaming of Taylor Swift’s gentle touch as she rubs my tummy and her sweet, juicy lips as she kisses my nose and cuddles me. OMG, it makes me purr just thinking about it! I wonder if Taylor Swift is a cat person? And, dare I even think it… I wonder if she’s read The World Is Your Litter Box?

Oh well, like I said, probably nothing will ever come of my kitty crush, but hey Taylor… if you ever come to Burbank, there’s a great big furry white tummy waiting for you to rub! And if Kanye West ever bothers you again... just let me know and I'll give him a big, scary hiss!

STILL FLUMMOXED BY TIME CHANGE

2009-11-06T09:43:00.001-08:00

Am I the only cat who’s still completely perplexed by the time change? Normally I adapt within a few days, but this year, for some reason, I just can’t seem to get my internal kitty clock synced up with human clocks. Maybe it has to do with global warming or sunspots or something. All I know is, when I wake Steve and his female at my formerly normal time of 7:00 a.m., it’s now 6:00 a.m., which makes them very angry to be awakened so early. Oh, well. If I get hungry at 6:00 a.m. (or what used to be 7:00 a.m.), they just have to get up and feed me, and that’s that! Hey, can I help it if my circadian rhythm is all messed up?

As far as I’m concerned, this whole concept of setting clocks ahead one hour in the spring and back one hour in the fall is one the worst ideas humans have come up with yet. It’s VERY confusing. I think all humankind should adopt the much-easier-to-use international kitty clock system, which is clearly divided into “awake” time and “nap” time. And since “nap” time lasts for around 20 hours a day, the remaining “awake” time would be much simpler for everyone to manage. Do we cats have to think of EVERYTHING?

Anyway, until humans come to their senses and quit monkeying around with their clocks twice a year, I guess we cats will just have to continue to “spring ahead” and “fall back” as the time change reminder goes. Just don’t blame us if we wake our humans up an hour early in the fall and let them oversleep one hour in the spring.

THE BACK-HOME-AGAIN DAMAGE REPORT

2009-10-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

Steve and his female FINALLY arrived back home from their visit to Savannah GA and Charleston SC. Even though they were only gone six days, it felt like a lot longer. Of course, of those six days, I spent approximately 120 hours asleep, so mostly, I only missed them in my dreams. And, as usual, I was able to con my pet sitter into giving me an overabundance of kitty treats. Still, when humans leave cats alone, they MUST pay, and Steve and his female are no exception. Here’s the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-me damage report:

45 minutes of serious kitty scorn (I tried for an hour, but I couldn’t hold out any longer)
1 unraveled and finely-shredded roll of toilet paper
“Accident” outside litter box
Demolition of the female’s favorite houseplant
1 kacked-up hairball on coffee table, with fallout spatter on the DVD remote
All Tivo’d shows deleted and replaced with programming from Animal Planet
Uber-shredding on the arm of the couch
All books pushed out of the bookcase and onto the floor (except The World Is Your Litter Box)
Overwhelming smell of cat throughout the house
Cat hair on everything

And one final thing… Steve and the female said they only saw two kitties in Savannah and NONE in Charleston. I’m guessing that my fellow cats in the low country were sleeping off huge meals of kitty food and grits and were just too full and sated to go outside. Regardless, y’all, here’s a hearty shout out to every one of my kitty compadres in the South.

HOME ALONE 2009

2009-10-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

For one week, Steve and his female are taking a vacation, which they seem to do every year about this time. This year, they’re going to Savannah, which is in some place called Georgia, and Charleston, which is in some place called South Carolina. Why they want to go to these two cities is a mystery to me, but I hear they’re both very beautiful and historic, and that they both have lots of opportunities to eat indulgent amounts of delicious Southern food (now THAT’S something I can relate to!).

Nice for Steve and the female, but not so swell for yours truly. For you see, fellow cat, for one week, I’ll be home alone and left in the care of my pet sitter, who comes over twice a day to feed me and cater to whatever whims I might feel at the time. Now, right about here, you’re probably thinking, “But Quaz, in The World Is Your Litter Box, you talked about all kinds of ways to take advantage of your pet sitter. That can't be so bad.” Yes, that’s true, and I plan to do just that. But still, there’s nothing like having your own humans around to suck up to you 24/7, and when they’re gone, I’m forced to WAIT for things like food and attention. Unacceptable human behavior if you ask me.

So, fellow cat, as I always do when Steve and the female leave me home alone, I will make them pay dearly (as only a cat can). I haven’t yet determined the level and scope of household damage I intend to inflict, but you can bet it will be – shall we say – noticeable. And, of course, when Steve and the female return, I’ll scorn both of them (for a little while, anyway) to teach a lesson they shan’t soon forget.

Anyway, I hope Steve and his female have a nice vacation in the South, but they better bring me back something nice. Perhaps some catnip-flavored grits or a replica of Fort Sumter that I can lie on and crush. Please, God, just don’t let them come back talking like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara!